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22 novembre I Wanna... ...have a cookie swap. Invite friends and have wonderful holiday music playing while we munch on cookies and salty treats, drinking punch with icecream floating on the top. Or lattes made in my coffee machine. :) ...learn more about photography and how my camera works. f/stop and ISO, depth of field ~ all scare and intimidate me. ...give homemade gifts to my friends this year. Find fun yarns and patterns and delight in my friends' faces as they open gifts that I have made with love. :) ...figure out why I'm so needy. Why do I get so disappointed when I think my family doesn't care? If I could solve that...damn. Again, I wanna be an "It is what it is" kinda gal. Well, that's my fantasy anyway. Some I can do. Some....hmmmppff.  21 novembre Thanks! Gift #24 Thank goodness for other people. I'm so glad you have blogs, Deb & Laura! I enjoy reading your thoughts and find myself thinking twice about my own attitude after hearing your words. btw, Deb, the little table decorations are yours for the borrowing! Too bad we're not closer. I don't think I'll be up that way until Christmas. I found the little vases/place card holders downstairs in my stash. Lord knows where I got them ~ of course a terrific opportunity to tell Bob "told you so" for my belief in not getting rid of things "just in case"!! I have like 24 of them! So I got some silk flowers, etc, and then instead of making name cards I just used different stickers and put them on scrap paper. :) Now to figure out how to store them 'til next year! Well, on to my life at the moment. I'm pissy as hell. That's all there is to it. The pissy patrol has arrested me and is holding me captive. I am having neck surgery, Anterior Cervical Corpectomy and Fusion (ACCF), to be exact. I found a web site that shows a video of the surgery. No, I couldn't watch it. haha Ok...back up. Now the tears are forming. I guess if I'm honest, I'm just frightened. I try to hide it behind being pissy. Grumpy feels better than fear, for whatever reason, right now. December 4th is D-day. Click here for an animation of the surgery if you're interested. God works in mysterious ways. I was taken to this job in a cardiothoracic surgeon's office and wouldn't you know, one of the surgeons had the same ACCF surgery this past summer. I'm going to the same surgeon he went to so I know I'm in good hands. One of the girls in the office said, 'maybe that's why you're here.' Think I didn't think of that??? So, I'm having a bit of a pity party for myself. Like a friend said about having to bend over and take it ~ I just gotta suck it up and take it. I cannot stand the pain anymore so it's time to get it over with. I'm just wondering about 3 months of a neck brace. As a faithful stomach/side sleeper, 3 months in my husband's nasty recliner sounds like a prison sentence!!! Maybe I can find enough pillows to be able to at least sleep in my own bed. ??? No driving for 3 months [can you imagine navigating 670 or 270 without being able to turn my neck??] Oh and my favorite?? since I haven't even begun to shop for Christmas and we're leaving this Thursday for NYC... the last weekend before surgery, when am I gonna get *that* done?? Argh. I know...like I said, pity party for one over here!! I'll make it. We'll be fine. I know it will work out. As previously stated, it's a blessing to have others' words to read that put life in perspective. :) We all have our issues. Oh, the weight journey, you ask? Yeah, please don't ask. It's all about the neck right now. I'm proud of you, Laura!! Keep on keeping on! I'll get there. 17 novembre Ahhhh, rest & Gift #23 It's over. Hard to believe. But it was a greaaaaaat day!! My whole family, sans 2, gathered for a day of fun and feasting. I hope they had as good a time as I did.  The little table decorations were fun to make. Everything went smoothly. I just enjoyed standing back and watching...this family of mine. :) 13 novembre Thursday check-in, 11.12End of the day and I'm still so doggone tired. I even took a 2 hour "nap" this afternoon. Hmmm, I'm not sure what's going on. I was hoping the steroids would carry me thru the weekend. I'd rather crash on Sunday!! Tomorrow is crunch day and then the big TG gathering so I doubt I'll be on here for a couple of days. GOALS: water: check walk: check sweets: nope. sugar is truly my security blanket these days. I hide it in places and am delighted like a child when i discover it. i am seriously like a toddler getting a treat. i think about my youngest niece and how she lights up when she is offered some little goodie. Yep, that's me, too. And when that little voice tells me to resist I stomp my feet and say, petulantly, "no!". well this has to change. I'll get there. Trying to keep it to 3 is making me aware. That is a good step. 12 novembre Fatigued but grateful For some reason, I'm just plain pooped today. I was up early, went to the grocery store to get the last of the shopping done for this weekend. Came home, put it all away and made a couple snacks for the party. Then I just wanted to sit down. Now I'd like a nap and I have a laundry list as long as my arm of things I want to get done today in preparation for Saturday. As I told Laura, today I am feeling every ounce of my weight and every day of my 46 years! I just wanna sit in my chair and knit! As I wrote to Laura, the following came out. Interesting. So I sat down while some things are in the oven and found your email. Thank you! Oh Laura, I don't know...is surgery overkill? Should I just live with the pain? Am I inviting more complications? There is no guarantee that surgery will relieve the pain.... Can I say if I'm comfortable with the decision? That's stretching it a bit. Do I like the Dr? Well, he's not warm & fuzzy but he seems arrogant and confident about what he does. Bottom line, I guess what is wearing so heavily on me is that *nobody* can make the decision for me. I can get pros and cons. I can get opinions. But, unlike when I had to have lower back surgery, this surgery is not mandatory. I do not have to have it to function. I am hoping for a better quality of life. The pain, the "fogginess" of pain meds, fatigue are all wearing on a daily basis. So, yes. I'm going thru with it and I am praying with all my might that if I'm not supposed to have this surgery, God will make that crystal clear to me. Please pray that for me, specifically. Someone, something will present the warning to me. I have no idea why I'm so leery. I guess because we recently had a patient who came in for a consultation re: surgery. Our surgeon recommended surgery and she had severe second thoughts. She went thru with it following the advice of her children and grandchildren and has had terrible complications ever since. [this was last week.] It's scary. But back to today..,. :) I guess I'll just pare down my list of to-do things and call it a day. Tomorrow I have to work all day ~ Fridays are always crazy with seeing patients, etc., and then come home and cook several dishes. It will be a long day. :) I wish you lived closer, too. I need a good cook! lol Well, thanks for listening. I'll probably write a similar blog today. On a good note, I gag every time I try to eat today. Don't know what that's about. Nothing wants to go down. I'm sure it won't last long. ;) No worries. Maybe this weight journey [that's what I'm calling it] came at a good time so i don't balloon up after surgery. It sure would be easy to as my husband truly believes food is love. I am so thankful for my friends. Truly proving that family is not limited to those who share my bloodline. 11 novembre Seriously!!Okay, really! Just f*** me in the ass with a splintered broom! Of course, in the grand scheme of things, life could be worse. blah blah blah blah But as MeeMaw and I like to say, "It's all about me." And right now, I'm just pissy!
I went to the neurosurgeon this morning and he confirmed my fears. Surgery is inevitable. Two bad discs in my neck are out of control and have to be replaced/removed/rejangled, whatever. Here's is what I gleaned from the conversation:
* 3 months no driving, working, in a hard plastic boobs to chin neck brace
* moving my larnyx aside [ASIDE!] to take said discs out, put some contraption IN, including a metal piece @ 2" long
* wearing a bone stimulator for 9 months to help the new contraption fuse to my own bones
Here's what I infer: spending the next 3 months home alone day after day after day, no driving, no crafts, little computer in a full metal jacket. Sleeping in a freaking recliner [HATE sleeping on my back]; gaining weight. Can we all sing, "Joy to the World"? Bring your sleeping bag and party favors and join my pity party.
Flip side ~ cuz that's just how my brain works ~ is possibly getting rid of the daily pain / nerve damage/ arm weakness. There are no guarantees, but I have to take the chance. Maybe Bob and I can take a couple of vacations, if I get cleared to fly. ???
Sooooooooooooooooo....where does that leave my weight journey? I don't wanna give up. I just gotta regroup. thank God for my friends.
Beginning: Nov 10-14 My dear friend, Jenn, I refuse to over think this...good grief I've spent the day working my ass off just to avoid sitting here and writing this. What does that tell me? hmmm It's time to make some changes in my lifestyle. And you are patient and caring enough to invite me regardless of my flaky past behavior. I recently read a comment by someone who was talking about how she viewed food. She said something to the effect of, 'I am learning not to treat food like a toddler.' I wish I had the exact quote because it stopped me short. Having thought about my weight for most of my life, I thought I had heard it all. This made me think twice because there are other areas of my life where I am learning that I can't get what I want. Sounds elementary but ... well, it's where I am in my journey. I have decided to pick up my baggage and take this new journey with the hope of learning more about myself...life...and hopefully, making some positive changes. Thank you, Jenn. You'll never know... The Plan: Each week we would post three goals. The rules were the goals had to be measurable & attainable in a week's time. If we meet all three goals, we would earn $5.00 towards a "ultimate" goal; usually something tangible, more expensive & something we wanted. Daily we would post if we met our daily goals as well as our overall progress. Weekly, we would post our weight as well as how we did in meeting our goals. My ultimate goal: I don't know yet.
Cost: ??
My weight loss goal: No # in mind; my goal is just to continue to lose weight.
Total weight loss needed: A number?? Hmmm. At
this point, I can't even imagine reaching my *insurance chart* weight.
For now, I would just like to reach...well, maybe I'm not ready to make
that public just yet. :)
GOALS for the Week of Nov 10-14:
1. only 3 pieces of candy/sweets per day
2. drink at least 32 oz water daily
3. walk 10 minutes twice this week [good grief, Charlie Brown, can you say baby steps?? ;)] 27 ottobre Thanksgiving OH MY! I'm obsessing. I know it. I feel it. I cannot control it. Deb, will you please be my assistant??? You are party planner extraordinaire! I need you!!!! In fact, you can be Head Party Planner and I will be *your* assistant. Perfect!! I'm having the Thanksgiving family gathering at our home this year. I've done it before and nearly made myself crazy. Why again? Well, many family issues [both sides] and I refuse to let our family be splintered. So, erect a cross and call me martyr. I stand strongly behind my principles. Well, that said, now I'm obsessing. The food, the table setting, the games, toys for the kids, the people, the house ~ clean enough ~, I want it just right. Not perfect, I'm not that far off in neverland, but I want it good enough. Unfortunately, we're not a close enough family that I can call my sisters-in-law and dish about it. That's what I want..."hey, what about this? I found this! We can play this game...do the kids like this?" Well, that ain't gonna happen. I think everyone comes cuz they HAVE to come, not cuz they're excited to see one another and have a good time. That's the bottom line, I guess. You know who your friends are cuz they come to your gatherings regardless. They don't have to make Mother & Father happy or fulfill some family obligation. I wish I knew if my family really wanted to be together. How very narcissistic of me, eh? It's not a burden to me...I want to make a happy place where people come and when they leave they look at one another and say, "what a great day!" Aaaand I would LOVE to be relaxed in the process. Is that too much to ask? hahaha Thanks for listening. ;) 26 ottobre It is What it IsBack when I decided to start a blog, I wanted to name it "It is What it Is" but that's Deb's byline so I didn't. :) But I wanted that because it's what I wanna be. I wanna be the type of person who sees life and says, "well, it is what it is." Not be one who has to over analyze anything. Not have to OBSESS about people's feelings and perceptions of me. Just hear it, take it in and move on, whatever IT is.
Unfortunately, that is not me. I should call my blog, "It isn't what it appears." I frequently hear from people, when I confess my deep-seeded worries and obsessive/compulsive worrying or nervousness, "wow, you sure didn't seem that way. It didn't show. You come across very confident." or something like that. Argh ~ if only they knew!!
I recently had a conversation with a young woman on the topic of guys/boyfriends. I remember saying, "Look at his actions. Not his words. What do his *actions* say?" I'm reminded of these words now. I find myself wondering about people in my life and thinking, "do they really care so little?" Then I remind myself of these words and think, well, what do their actions say? Yea...their actions say they don't care much. Perfunctory communication. Years of miscommunication. Unresolved feelings. I pretend to put up a front that I'm not bothered. I wanna say, "well, it is what it is." Instead, I find myself blinking back tears, wishing it could be different.
Would they care if I spoke up and said something??? I don't know. I would hate to die and have it go unresolved.
12 ottobre Catching Up It has been a while! First I had a LOVELY vacation with my sister/friend in RI! What a great friend you are, Laura!! As I told her, I have few friends these days, but the ones I do have, I cherish. She is an amazing listener. I left her feeling embraced and refreshed! I only wish we lived closer! Then it was home to care for our Godchildren. Ages 6 & 4. Oh my did we have fun! Challenging, but fun! Both are precocious little things ~ constantly amazing me! What 4yr old do you know who appropriately uses words like "antagonize"? And "appropriate"? She cracks me up! We colored with markers and played outside and collected acorns "with hats" and leaves and went shopping ... all the things her mother says she isn't supposed to do. Yeah, you heard that correctly. I just shake my head. I could write a mini novel on here of how cracked up/neurotic her mother is! but I'll spare you and myself. The best part was when their dad came to pick them up ~ she didn't come because she was sick. sorry, don't believe that. she wanted to stay home to get housework done, imho.~ I told him I had Ya know, forget it. Not even worth getting myself all riled up again. Suffice it to say that I am amazed at the level of selfishness some people have. Inconsiderate selfishness. And the holidays are coming. Joy to the World! Here we go again. Wonder how many ways we'll all bend over backwards to accommodate them? If it were ever reciprocated, no problem. But this road only goes one way. Where's that Serenity Prayer again???? 26 settembre FriendshipWe cross paths with people every single day. As LBA recently reminded me, every day provides us an opportunity to show compassion and kindness to our fellow human beings. Some people allow us to show our strong side. Some force us to practice patience. Some people remind us to be humble. Some people infuriate us ~ well, you know the drill. We call some of these people acquaintances. Some become friends. Then there are people in our lives that the term "friend" is just not adequate. What is the label for a person who is more than a friend? Not a lover...not husband, brother, cousin; more than a confidante. What do you call a person who has been in your life for more than 25 years, listens when you need to talk, throws a lifeline when you're drowning, knows you and your secrets and still accepts you? Isn't afraid to be gut honest. Can take it as well as give it? Thankfully, the English language has given me a word for this person. I call him Brentwood. I'm so grateful to God for crossing our paths. So very thankful. 24 settembre Welcome to Hollandfor those of you who are curiosity cats [haha, I'm one!] and read my last entry and think "what is she talking about, I want out of Holland, etc.", well, here is the answer. It is a superbly written piece re: living childfree/childless. Most of it I could have written myself. Other parts ~ not so much in my thought pattern, again, for those who know me well, you'll know what I mean. ;)
Welcome to Holland!
I am often asked to describe the experience of infertlity to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience, to understand it, to try to imagine how it would feel. It's like this. When you're going to have a
baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans: see the coliseum, Michaelangelo's David, the Sistene Chapel and the gondalas in Venice. The list is endless and exciting!! You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting! After years of eager anticipation the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says "Welcome to Holland!". "Holland?" you say, "What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Itally. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy!" But, ther's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible disgusting filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you have been there a while and catch your breath; you look around and begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts! But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy; and they are all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that is where I was supposed to go. That is what I had planned". And the pain of that will never ever go away; because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your whole life mourning the fact that you didn't get to go to Italy you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland! When it smacks you in the face...Sometimes you never know when you'll uncover a rock and find something life changing. That happened recently...I stumbled upon a group of women who have joined together to support one another on the journey of being childless. After reading another woman's post, I wrote the following. It shocked me so much I wanted to share it here, where I can go back and refer to it and read it again! I don't wanna be this kind of woman. I just don't know how to move on.
That's my favorite quote of the week. I never knew how to put it when people would ask me why my husband and I didn't adopt. I wasn't keen on giving people a reason for our childfree life ~ I still have a hard time saying childfree vs childless ~ so I gave them as little information as possible. Never disclosed who was responsible, quote unquote, just said we weren't able to have kids. Until I read what you said, Helen, about not being able to rally the troops for both of us re: adoption, I couldn't put it into words, even for myself. And until I read those words I always felt a bit guilty, like it was such a bad thing that I didn't try to convince him to adopt. Now I realize that would not have been a good thing. Thank you, Helen~!! Such a simple statement made a huge impact on me!
Helen, H2 [smile], I read your word and wanna hug you. I, too, joined this group to talk about the meat of my issue. I sometimes feel like the black cloud, not wanting to rain on everyone. I am envious of everyone who has made peace with the childfree life. I wish I could say I've moved beyond the darkness and am at a point where I can talk about this without crying. Unfortunately, I still cry. Still wishing I could go to Italy and get out of Holland. I need a place where I can say it hurts like hell!! Where other women do not take it personally when I say I HATE HOLLAND! I HATE TULIPS! I want the Trevi Fountain!! [smiling] I know I'm a child having a tantrum. I don't like it. I want the peace of God to wash over me and say, "it's okay, I have another plan for you."
Until then, I need somewhere to go where I can have my tantrums and those who are wiser can say, "hey, Terese, here is how I moved on." I want to move on. I don't want to be a bitter old woman. [smile] But then I think, I never EVER want people to think this is my CHOICE. Ya know, as I type this and think about it ~ I want people's pity. OH MY GOODNESS, I never realized that! I guess I don't want people to think I'm okay with not having children. I want them to say "you poor thing. it must be hard."
WOW! That is an epiphany I will repeat to anyone but you all!! Ouch.
That's why I need you. To be able to think thru these things and try to come to grips with my thoughts/beliefs/dreams/ pain. I appreciate open and honest feedback ~ never feel you will hurt me. [smile] Maybe I haven't moved on cuz I don't wanna let go, even if it's destroying me, I want to be associated with motherhood, even the loss of it. 20 settembre the BeesThe miserable life of bees! Of living with bees. The annoying little things have found a hole in our foundation and have made our home their home. Well, they are not welcome. I took a piece of quilt batting [only thing I could readily find], soaked it with lighter fluid [again, the handiest poison] and stuffed it into their door to our home. They are not happy. What was originally about 15 bees now is more like 100. I don't know if they are clever and can eat away at the poison-soaked plug or if they are stupid and just don't know where else to go. They need to just calm down, make a plan and find another dwelling. 08 settembre A Softening of the Heart[from a wise, wonderful friend] At the end of the day, you have to know how you feel about what you have done. I know that I end my day thinking, "Have I done what I could? Have I been honest? Have I hurt myself or others?" It is my reflection; the questions vary some each day. I am not willing to sacrifice myself or anyone else just to "play nice" to continue a facade. I have had friends come & go because what they seek I cannot stand by, support or even remotely pretend to support. Why allow yourself to be treated so & subjected to it repeatedly? I guess I have lost enough people along the way that I know good ones are waiting around teh corner & they are worth much more than the nonsense. I recently cried out to a friend. As always, she was there with wise words. She always makes me think, frequently calls me higher, never fails to listen. Above are the words she gave me in response to my recent venting. Thank you, my friend.
"Why do you allow yourself to be treated so and subjected to it repeatedly?", she asks. Hmmm...if I could answer that I'd be rich! Rich in spirit, self-love, peace of mind.... all those kumbya warm fuzzies. :) I don't know. There is something that makes me think the person will change. If I try hard enough, am kind enough, continue to extend the olive branch, the other person will change. I'm doing the same thing with my boss. I should look at him and say all those nice F-words that are screaming in silence! Why am I continuing to be subjected to such a vile person? And it makes me so angry that I could eat dirt!!! Trying like mad to stuff down the anger. I am dismayed/pissed/disouraged to realize how much I take an offensive person's actions personally. Even when I KNOW he/she is a rude, selfish, arrogant to many people, I internalize it. BLECH!!
That's another show ~ what does one do with pent up anger? I am afraid of my rage. I don't allow myself to get angry at the TRUE source of my anger very often. I don't trust myself. So I stuff it. I certainly have a fear of ending a friendship/relationship. This is confounded when it is family. When I'm angry at a family member, there is no choice in my mind but to stuff it. That behavior is so unhealthy. The bottom line, I guess, is that I don't feel "_____ enough" [fill in the blank] to tell the person straight up how I feel. I doubt my reasoning for being angry. I tell myself that perhaps I've just overreacted; it's not worth getting into a confrontation; nothing will change so why say anything....
I get tired of the nonsense. I just haven't mastered letting people go/cutting people out of my life. I suck at it. I'd be much healthier if I did.
I wanna start asking myself some thought-provoking questions at the end of my day. Something so elementary that I am embarrassed that I never have before. Thank you for sharing with me!
I'm so grateful for your friendship! [I've chosen to keep this friend anonymous because I did not ask his/her permission to repeat his/her words here.]
03 settembre RelationshipsRelationships: the meat of life. The mainstay for some. Avoided like the plague by others. Some are easy. Some are rewarding. Some are complicated but necessary. Some, well we just don't have a choice. Without a doubt, the most complicated relationship for me is with food. Food & me.
Sometimes it's a source of great joy. Sometimes, it is just plain necessary and boring. Sometimes it is the bane of my existence. One thing for sure, you can guage my mood based on what role food is playing in my life. I have never noticed the blaring red lights until this summer. Going through extreme emotions I have, for whatever reason, seen how food has come into play. When my grandfathers were so sick and their health declining I began hoarding food. Especially at work. Like someone gathering for the winter in Middle Ages! I noticed this stock pile growing in the cubby above my desk yet I wasn't eating any of it. Nibbling here and there but nothing compared to what I was bringing in.
I've not transitioned to a state of anger. Not sure why. But I know for sure that food is my answer to rage simmering within me. Why?? I'm not sure. I've never been one to really be able to release my anger, let alone resolve it. I notice I could eat dirt right now. And lots and lots of it! I'm trying to resist and observe the behavior. I need to find a way to resolve the anger without stuffing it down.
Kickboxing, anyone?? I have been walking ~ for no other reason than to lift the depression. Maybe it will help with the anger, too. ???
30 agosto Thanks Deb!Whew! Thank goodness for other bloggers! My silly rotten crappy [it's Sunday, I'll spare you the cursing. ;) ] laptop has decided to entertain trojans in mass quantities. What does that mean? All I know is that the darn thing goes haywire, shuts down and I get exasperated! Thankfully my dear husband is schooled in all things computer and has the patience of Job in this area. He fixed it but all my Favorites/Bookmarks are gone. Oy!! So, I kinda remembered Brent's blogspot and from there got here [can you believe I have no idea what mine is!] and then got to Deb's. Whew! Amazing how much I enjoy reading other blogger's posts. It's like having conversations with friends, 'cept I don't get to talk back directly. Guess it's really not a conversation, but it sure is stimulating. hehe Before I digress, back to the point of this subject. Thank you, Deb! She posts about books she reads and I LOVE IT! My crocheting, scrapbooking ~ all hobbies ~ have fallen by the wayside as I pick up one book after another. I really love to get absorbed in a book, painting the pictures in my mind, learning new vocabulary [yes, I have an electronic dictionary with me at all times!], getting to know the characters, sometimes wishing I could be transported to the 1870's for a day or two. Not too long, Miss 21st Century is not keen on hauling water inside for a sit-down bath or using an outhouse, among other things! Books are magical and I love reading about Deb's relationships with hers. thanks for sharing! In light of that, here is the book I just finished.  The 19th Wife, by David EbershoffIt's an interesting fusion of history and present day fiction related to polygamy in the First Church of Latter Day Saints. [I don't know how anyone could read and believe in the New Testament and come to the conclusion that God sanctions polygamy.] This book is an inside look into the emotional upheaval that polygamy reaps in the 'sister wives' and Brigham Young's response to that. It's sometimes slow, I'll be hones, but I enjoyed the history of the LDS church. 29 agosto Saying GoodbyeOne of the wisest things my mother would casually say is, "there's always somebody better and there's always somebody worse." Oh, what a life lesson. Today I'm reminded of that as Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg says goodbye to yet another family member. No matter the political affiliation, nobody can dispute the strength of this woman. Be it her faith, her family support, her natural constitution, her ability to fake it 'till she makes it ~ nature vs. nurture again :) ~ whatever the reason I cannot imagine walking in this woman's footsteps. When you take away the celebrity, the notoriety, and the political motivations for attending the services of her uncle, at the end of the day a woman has lost yet another important person in her life. Another casket, another long period of public mourning, another funeral Mass, another burial, another loss.
My heart is saddened today for Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg. It is never easy to say goodbye. 22 agosto No RulesIf anyone had asked me how I thought I would react to the death of my grandfathers I would never have come up with the truth. Sad? sure. Grief stricken? I don't think so. Yet here I am. I try to tell myself all the philosophical tidbits I've heard through the years about how it will pass, it just takes time, etc., but the reality is that I just plain hurt. And just when I think it's getting better something yanks my chain and the tears are rolling. I'm embarrassed! But there are no rules for grief. Just gotta go thru it, I guess.
I missed a dear friend's wedding reception today and I cannot let go of the guilt. I wanted to be there so badly. I couldn't even call and talk to her because I was crying...I certainly didn't want HER to be thinking about ME on such a day!! I just wanted to go and forget about all the sickness/death around me. Instead I was caring for my MIL who is still having issues from her surgery.
It's gotta end sometime. Ya know that old saying about enjoying the good when it comes around cuz you never know what's around the corner? Truer words were never spoken! 13 agosto Softly and Tenderly
At our Christmas family gathering, my Grandfather asked my 2 female cousins and I to sing at his funeral. [I have probably posted this before.] After great searching and communicating we decided to sing but not all together. I knew I wanted to sing acapella, I didn't wanna chase a piano or have to practice with anyone living so far away, etc.
I decided on a song. Imagine how transfixed I was when I tuned in to the Gaither's and heard this woman singing exactly what I want to sing for my Grandfather!!
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