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October 12 Catching Up It has been a while! First I had a LOVELY vacation with my sister/friend in RI! What a great friend you are, Laura!! As I told her, I have few friends these days, but the ones I do have, I cherish. She is an amazing listener. I left her feeling embraced and refreshed! I only wish we lived closer! Then it was home to care for our Godchildren. Ages 6 & 4. Oh my did we have fun! Challenging, but fun! Both are precocious little things ~ constantly amazing me! What 4yr old do you know who appropriately uses words like "antagonize"? And "appropriate"? She cracks me up! We colored with markers and played outside and collected acorns "with hats" and leaves and went shopping ... all the things her mother says she isn't supposed to do. Yeah, you heard that correctly. I just shake my head. I could write a mini novel on here of how cracked up/neurotic her mother is! but I'll spare you and myself. The best part was when their dad came to pick them up ~ she didn't come because she was sick. sorry, don't believe that. she wanted to stay home to get housework done, imho.~ I told him I had Ya know, forget it. Not even worth getting myself all riled up again. Suffice it to say that I am amazed at the level of selfishness some people have. Inconsiderate selfishness. And the holidays are coming. Joy to the World! Here we go again. Wonder how many ways we'll all bend over backwards to accommodate them? If it were ever reciprocated, no problem. But this road only goes one way. Where's that Serenity Prayer again???? September 26 FriendshipWe cross paths with people every single day. As LBA recently reminded me, every day provides us an opportunity to show compassion and kindness to our fellow human beings. Some people allow us to show our strong side. Some force us to practice patience. Some people remind us to be humble. Some people infuriate us ~ well, you know the drill. We call some of these people acquaintances. Some become friends. Then there are people in our lives that the term "friend" is just not adequate. What is the label for a person who is more than a friend? Not a lover...not husband, brother, cousin; more than a confidante. What do you call a person who has been in your life for more than 25 years, listens when you need to talk, throws a lifeline when you're drowning, knows you and your secrets and still accepts you? Isn't afraid to be gut honest. Can take it as well as give it? Thankfully, the English language has given me a word for this person. I call him Brentwood. I'm so grateful to God for crossing our paths. So very thankful. September 24 Welcome to Hollandfor those of you who are curiosity cats [haha, I'm one!] and read my last entry and think "what is she talking about, I want out of Holland, etc.", well, here is the answer. It is a superbly written piece re: living childfree/childless. Most of it I could have written myself. Other parts ~ not so much in my thought pattern, again, for those who know me well, you'll know what I mean. ;)
Welcome to Holland!
I am often asked to describe the experience of infertlity to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience, to understand it, to try to imagine how it would feel. It's like this. When you're going to have a
baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans: see the coliseum, Michaelangelo's David, the Sistene Chapel and the gondalas in Venice. The list is endless and exciting!! You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting! After years of eager anticipation the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says "Welcome to Holland!". "Holland?" you say, "What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Itally. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy!" But, ther's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible disgusting filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you have been there a while and catch your breath; you look around and begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts! But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy; and they are all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that is where I was supposed to go. That is what I had planned". And the pain of that will never ever go away; because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your whole life mourning the fact that you didn't get to go to Italy you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland! When it smacks you in the face...Sometimes you never know when you'll uncover a rock and find something life changing. That happened recently...I stumbled upon a group of women who have joined together to support one another on the journey of being childless. After reading another woman's post, I wrote the following. It shocked me so much I wanted to share it here, where I can go back and refer to it and read it again! I don't wanna be this kind of woman. I just don't know how to move on.
That's my favorite quote of the week. I never knew how to put it when people would ask me why my husband and I didn't adopt. I wasn't keen on giving people a reason for our childfree life ~ I still have a hard time saying childfree vs childless ~ so I gave them as little information as possible. Never disclosed who was responsible, quote unquote, just said we weren't able to have kids. Until I read what you said, Helen, about not being able to rally the troops for both of us re: adoption, I couldn't put it into words, even for myself. And until I read those words I always felt a bit guilty, like it was such a bad thing that I didn't try to convince him to adopt. Now I realize that would not have been a good thing. Thank you, Helen~!! Such a simple statement made a huge impact on me!
Helen, H2 [smile], I read your word and wanna hug you. I, too, joined this group to talk about the meat of my issue. I sometimes feel like the black cloud, not wanting to rain on everyone. I am envious of everyone who has made peace with the childfree life. I wish I could say I've moved beyond the darkness and am at a point where I can talk about this without crying. Unfortunately, I still cry. Still wishing I could go to Italy and get out of Holland. I need a place where I can say it hurts like hell!! Where other women do not take it personally when I say I HATE HOLLAND! I HATE TULIPS! I want the Trevi Fountain!! [smiling] I know I'm a child having a tantrum. I don't like it. I want the peace of God to wash over me and say, "it's okay, I have another plan for you."
Until then, I need somewhere to go where I can have my tantrums and those who are wiser can say, "hey, Terese, here is how I moved on." I want to move on. I don't want to be a bitter old woman. [smile] But then I think, I never EVER want people to think this is my CHOICE. Ya know, as I type this and think about it ~ I want people's pity. OH MY GOODNESS, I never realized that! I guess I don't want people to think I'm okay with not having children. I want them to say "you poor thing. it must be hard."
WOW! That is an epiphany I will repeat to anyone but you all!! Ouch.
That's why I need you. To be able to think thru these things and try to come to grips with my thoughts/beliefs/dreams/ pain. I appreciate open and honest feedback ~ never feel you will hurt me. [smile] Maybe I haven't moved on cuz I don't wanna let go, even if it's destroying me, I want to be associated with motherhood, even the loss of it. September 20 the BeesThe miserable life of bees! Of living with bees. The annoying little things have found a hole in our foundation and have made our home their home. Well, they are not welcome. I took a piece of quilt batting [only thing I could readily find], soaked it with lighter fluid [again, the handiest poison] and stuffed it into their door to our home. They are not happy. What was originally about 15 bees now is more like 100. I don't know if they are clever and can eat away at the poison-soaked plug or if they are stupid and just don't know where else to go. They need to just calm down, make a plan and find another dwelling. September 08 A Softening of the Heart[from a wise, wonderful friend] At the end of the day, you have to know how you feel about what you have done. I know that I end my day thinking, "Have I done what I could? Have I been honest? Have I hurt myself or others?" It is my reflection; the questions vary some each day. I am not willing to sacrifice myself or anyone else just to "play nice" to continue a facade. I have had friends come & go because what they seek I cannot stand by, support or even remotely pretend to support. Why allow yourself to be treated so & subjected to it repeatedly? I guess I have lost enough people along the way that I know good ones are waiting around teh corner & they are worth much more than the nonsense. I recently cried out to a friend. As always, she was there with wise words. She always makes me think, frequently calls me higher, never fails to listen. Above are the words she gave me in response to my recent venting. Thank you, my friend.
"Why do you allow yourself to be treated so and subjected to it repeatedly?", she asks. Hmmm...if I could answer that I'd be rich! Rich in spirit, self-love, peace of mind.... all those kumbya warm fuzzies. :) I don't know. There is something that makes me think the person will change. If I try hard enough, am kind enough, continue to extend the olive branch, the other person will change. I'm doing the same thing with my boss. I should look at him and say all those nice F-words that are screaming in silence! Why am I continuing to be subjected to such a vile person? And it makes me so angry that I could eat dirt!!! Trying like mad to stuff down the anger. I am dismayed/pissed/disouraged to realize how much I take an offensive person's actions personally. Even when I KNOW he/she is a rude, selfish, arrogant to many people, I internalize it. BLECH!!
That's another show ~ what does one do with pent up anger? I am afraid of my rage. I don't allow myself to get angry at the TRUE source of my anger very often. I don't trust myself. So I stuff it. I certainly have a fear of ending a friendship/relationship. This is confounded when it is family. When I'm angry at a family member, there is no choice in my mind but to stuff it. That behavior is so unhealthy. The bottom line, I guess, is that I don't feel "_____ enough" [fill in the blank] to tell the person straight up how I feel. I doubt my reasoning for being angry. I tell myself that perhaps I've just overreacted; it's not worth getting into a confrontation; nothing will change so why say anything....
I get tired of the nonsense. I just haven't mastered letting people go/cutting people out of my life. I suck at it. I'd be much healthier if I did.
I wanna start asking myself some thought-provoking questions at the end of my day. Something so elementary that I am embarrassed that I never have before. Thank you for sharing with me!
I'm so grateful for your friendship! [I've chosen to keep this friend anonymous because I did not ask his/her permission to repeat his/her words here.]
September 03 RelationshipsRelationships: the meat of life. The mainstay for some. Avoided like the plague by others. Some are easy. Some are rewarding. Some are complicated but necessary. Some, well we just don't have a choice. Without a doubt, the most complicated relationship for me is with food. Food & me.
Sometimes it's a source of great joy. Sometimes, it is just plain necessary and boring. Sometimes it is the bane of my existence. One thing for sure, you can guage my mood based on what role food is playing in my life. I have never noticed the blaring red lights until this summer. Going through extreme emotions I have, for whatever reason, seen how food has come into play. When my grandfathers were so sick and their health declining I began hoarding food. Especially at work. Like someone gathering for the winter in Middle Ages! I noticed this stock pile growing in the cubby above my desk yet I wasn't eating any of it. Nibbling here and there but nothing compared to what I was bringing in.
I've not transitioned to a state of anger. Not sure why. But I know for sure that food is my answer to rage simmering within me. Why?? I'm not sure. I've never been one to really be able to release my anger, let alone resolve it. I notice I could eat dirt right now. And lots and lots of it! I'm trying to resist and observe the behavior. I need to find a way to resolve the anger without stuffing it down.
Kickboxing, anyone?? I have been walking ~ for no other reason than to lift the depression. Maybe it will help with the anger, too. ???
August 30 Thanks Deb!Whew! Thank goodness for other bloggers! My silly rotten crappy [it's Sunday, I'll spare you the cursing. ;) ] laptop has decided to entertain trojans in mass quantities. What does that mean? All I know is that the darn thing goes haywire, shuts down and I get exasperated! Thankfully my dear husband is schooled in all things computer and has the patience of Job in this area. He fixed it but all my Favorites/Bookmarks are gone. Oy!! So, I kinda remembered Brent's blogspot and from there got here [can you believe I have no idea what mine is!] and then got to Deb's. Whew! Amazing how much I enjoy reading other blogger's posts. It's like having conversations with friends, 'cept I don't get to talk back directly. Guess it's really not a conversation, but it sure is stimulating. hehe Before I digress, back to the point of this subject. Thank you, Deb! She posts about books she reads and I LOVE IT! My crocheting, scrapbooking ~ all hobbies ~ have fallen by the wayside as I pick up one book after another. I really love to get absorbed in a book, painting the pictures in my mind, learning new vocabulary [yes, I have an electronic dictionary with me at all times!], getting to know the characters, sometimes wishing I could be transported to the 1870's for a day or two. Not too long, Miss 21st Century is not keen on hauling water inside for a sit-down bath or using an outhouse, among other things! Books are magical and I love reading about Deb's relationships with hers. thanks for sharing! In light of that, here is the book I just finished.  The 19th Wife, by David EbershoffIt's an interesting fusion of history and present day fiction related to polygamy in the First Church of Latter Day Saints. [I don't know how anyone could read and believe in the New Testament and come to the conclusion that God sanctions polygamy.] This book is an inside look into the emotional upheaval that polygamy reaps in the 'sister wives' and Brigham Young's response to that. It's sometimes slow, I'll be hones, but I enjoyed the history of the LDS church. August 29 Saying GoodbyeOne of the wisest things my mother would casually say is, "there's always somebody better and there's always somebody worse." Oh, what a life lesson. Today I'm reminded of that as Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg says goodbye to yet another family member. No matter the political affiliation, nobody can dispute the strength of this woman. Be it her faith, her family support, her natural constitution, her ability to fake it 'till she makes it ~ nature vs. nurture again :) ~ whatever the reason I cannot imagine walking in this woman's footsteps. When you take away the celebrity, the notoriety, and the political motivations for attending the services of her uncle, at the end of the day a woman has lost yet another important person in her life. Another casket, another long period of public mourning, another funeral Mass, another burial, another loss.
My heart is saddened today for Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg. It is never easy to say goodbye. August 22 No RulesIf anyone had asked me how I thought I would react to the death of my grandfathers I would never have come up with the truth. Sad? sure. Grief stricken? I don't think so. Yet here I am. I try to tell myself all the philosophical tidbits I've heard through the years about how it will pass, it just takes time, etc., but the reality is that I just plain hurt. And just when I think it's getting better something yanks my chain and the tears are rolling. I'm embarrassed! But there are no rules for grief. Just gotta go thru it, I guess.
I missed a dear friend's wedding reception today and I cannot let go of the guilt. I wanted to be there so badly. I couldn't even call and talk to her because I was crying...I certainly didn't want HER to be thinking about ME on such a day!! I just wanted to go and forget about all the sickness/death around me. Instead I was caring for my MIL who is still having issues from her surgery.
It's gotta end sometime. Ya know that old saying about enjoying the good when it comes around cuz you never know what's around the corner? Truer words were never spoken! August 13 Softly and Tenderly
At our Christmas family gathering, my Grandfather asked my 2 female cousins and I to sing at his funeral. [I have probably posted this before.] After great searching and communicating we decided to sing but not all together. I knew I wanted to sing acapella, I didn't wanna chase a piano or have to practice with anyone living so far away, etc.
I decided on a song. Imagine how transfixed I was when I tuned in to the Gaither's and heard this woman singing exactly what I want to sing for my Grandfather!!
As if nothing is happening...I find that when there's nobody I want to share my thoughts with out loud, I come here. Knowing there are a certain few who read this - but somehow it feels private. :)
I spent the day with my MIL, going to, what I call, Club Zangmeister. It is the cancer center in Columbus where she has to go for radiation. Whew, so many sick sick people in that waiting room! Then, half way thru the day, I hear from my father that my Grandpa is doing that "gurgling death" breathing that comes at the end of life. I tried to put it out of my head, trying to focus on my MIL and all the information we were being given.
I finally get home and put in some laundry [that I've been neglecting]. I went out to get the mail and it struck me that here I was, doing an ordinary thing and my Mom is sitting with her father trying to comfort him in the last few hours of his life. Miles away someone I love so much is in great pain and here I am getting the mail. The juxtoposition just struck me as odd.
I sat down to send my boss an email and that's when the tears started. Time slowed down for a bit and I am able to think. Not in any structured way, I might add, just blurbs that pass thru.... Grandpa S. 2 months ago... my mother's father now... brain cancer... breast cancer... work... family...
As I told my husband this morning, before I learned of Grandpa K., New Year's Eve cannot come soon enough. I want this year to end.
August 02 Gift #22 - People sharing their Talents
Acappella "front porch" music. ::sigh:: When I was a child I went to Vacation Bible School at the North Clinton Mennonite Church. [I wasn't Mennonite but a school friend, D. Schrock, invited me.] To this day the scent of peonies take me right back to VBS! And I remember the songs the most. "This Little Light of Mine", "We are Climbing Jacob's Ladder", "Let the Sun Shine In"... so many fun songs. When I lived in Boston I auditioned and was accepted into a small acapella group singing Christian hymns. The leader of the group was once the director of the Vienna Boys Choir and it was a privilege to be among such talented people learning these awesome arrangements! My heart would swell as we sang and the harmonies were so sweet ~ more than once I had chills! Years ago I stumbled upon the televised Gaither music show. The music pierced my heart, taking me back to Boston where I belonged to a church where people praised God with 4-part harmonies and clapping...really enjoying the music! I miss that so!!!!! That's one thing we don't have in the Catholic churches I have attended - [can't say all of them. :) ] When I sing in church, people usually turn to look at me cuz my voice is louder than most. Not all of the Gaither shows are to my liking but when they do the classic hymns, gosh, I close my eyes and generally find tears streaming down my cheeks. Music has always been a form of prayer and these days it doesn't take much for me to cry. :) It's always the harmonies that undo me. I have to admit, I envy those people in the TV, looking so full of God's grace. Seeming to have peace of mind and heart. I know, I know...but wouldn't it be lovely to walk into that setting and let all of the world's woes melt away as you sang and sang and sang, one song after another? I heard this song tonight on the Gaither Homecoming and stopped to just listen. I found a video of the group on YouTube but it's not the same rendition they did on the show. And the computer cannot do it justice. I think it touched me so cuz I find myself thinking "why is there so damn much grief in life??" I guess there's something to learn from the thorns among the roses. Or maybe it's meant to remind me that it's a choice to find the roses among the thorns?? Lucky for me, these people share their gifts. YouTube - The Bishops - A Rose Among The Thorns July 28 #21 - Give Thanks....argh...geeeeeez, I suck at giving thanks. I wanted to do the Weekly Grace [Gift] and have fallen so far behind! So, I said, think of something. Right now, today, this moment, I am very thankful for chocolate. Dark chocolate. [did you know that Reese Cups now have a dark option??] And if the dark chocolate is paired with peanuts, almonds or cashews? well, pay dirt, in my opinion!!
     So, I thought I'd add a few images for fun. I searched "dark chocolate." The last picture here was under "those who searched for 'dark chocolate' also searched for:". What??? A group of men???? okay, whatever. I rolled my eyes but have to admit, I did so with a smirk.
July 27 I Choose to ParticipateI had entertained leaving Friday night but decided it would be better to wait until Saturday. Start fresh. Well, I should have left the evening before because the night was full of interrupted sleep and restlessness, finally ending at 6:30 a.m. when I decided to start my day. I arrived at the nursing home only to find him sleeping so soundly he could not be roused. After several attempts to stir him awake I went to visit Grandma. We went outside for a short walk, talked a bit and I returned to see if Grandpa was awake. He was still soundly sleeping. His cheeks were flushed. I learned he spent the day before in a similar state. The hospice nurse told us he may have a fever at the end and slip quietly into a coma and finally pass away. My visit ended wondering if perhaps I wouldn't see him awake and interactive ever again.
I returned on Sunday to find him awake. He seemed to recognize me, giving me a warm kiss and a smile. When I asked him, "What's shakin', Grandpa?" he responded with, "Me," and did a little jig in his chair. We both chuckled at that. It was well past time for him to be eating. I was frustrated when I learned that he was to be taken to the dining room and none of the staff seemed to know that. So, we called the nurse who called the aide [nurses can't be bothered with "aide" duties!] who prepared Grandpa for lunch. I stepped out of the room as more than a couple of people tend to cause chaos for him.
I passed by the dining room to verify if a staff person was indeed feeding him as directed. I caught his eye and saluted him with a smile. The biggest smile spread across his face and his eyes were so alert that I was very briefly reminded of the precious man who once resided in that body.
The staff had left him alone and he was trying to eat with his fingers. I pulled up a chair to assist him and that's when I learned, in one brief hour, how the brain tumor has ravaged him of so much. Communication is the exchange of information. So much is stolen from the person who cannot speak. Who cannot use a fork or spoon. I tried to read his behavior, the little motions, to do the best I could to give him what he wanted from his plate of food. A plate shaped exactly like the ones I used with the kids who were deafblind. And a big old towel/bib on my grandpa. I wanted a normal plate. I wanted him to be able to drop food like any other adult who accidently spills. I wanted him to have the dignity of an adult man, not reduced to a handicapped child! He picked at the food, I thought he was eating with his fingers. I misinterpretted that as he was actually thinking he was picking up a utentsil. His brain tumor has also induced OCD-like behavior. He found a rip in the paper placemat and could not let it go. He smoothed it and smoothed it and tried to rip it ~ consumed with this piece of paper.
I became frustrated for so many reasons, realizing this was so much more than just assisting him with eating. Added to the frustration was the anguish I felt for this man who could not control what was happening to his body and mind. The tears I could no longer swallow rolled down my cheeks as I sat in a nursing home's dining room trying to feed my grandpa, thinking, what the hell is going on here. For a moment it all felt surreal. I quickly dried my tears and realized how extremely isolating it felt even as strangers passed by, other residents continued to eat or be fed by family members and staff, and chatter went on all around us. For a moment all noise and people fell away from us and it was just him and me. He stopped what he was doing [picking at some piece of lint on his shirt]...raised his eyes....looked me straight in the eye...and we just held the gaze for maybe 15 seconds. A granddaughter and her grandfather. Sharing an experience so difficult for us both. Something I'll never forget. Something that shouldn't be.
I left the nursing home. Went to my parents' house and sat on the porch. A bit numb, wondering, "does everyone go thru this?" The little girl in me wants so badly to be comforted. I want someone to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay. It will stop hurting one day. But I know what I've experienced this summer will never truly go away. How it will live in me and the effects it will have remain to be seen. But there are some experiences in life that you *know* will forever change you, even as you are going thru them. Losing my grandparents like I am are some of those.
July 17 One at a TimeWe got thru one stage ~ surgery. The cancer is worse than the doctors predicted. We spent a restless night with her at her home after she came home from the hospital. Now we sit on pins and needles waiting for the surgical pathology to come back. Has the cancer spread to the lymph nodes? I phoned the Dr.'s office twice, having to leave messages, just trying to get a post-op appointment. We won't know anything until next Wednesday. She is so weak. It's taking it's toll on all of us.
I would love to go home this weekend. Try to offer some encouragement to my parents as they care for my Grandparents. It's 3 hours away. Just the drive makes me tired. :) I want to go home and be nurtured but I have to put on the happy face and try to GIVE some energy, not suck it away. I want to take a break. Just go fill up my cup, restore my energy level. But that's not possible right now.
So, I take what I can get ~ the blessed few hours I have in my home tonight, alone, before a hectic day at work tomorrow. It's so cliche, it's pathetic, but truly? .... this is just one challenge at a time. I can't think much beyond tomorrow and whether or not I'll go home this weekend. Then it's work again until we revisit the surgeon and, prayerfully, get good news about the cancer and what the adjuvant therapy will be.
July 12 When you're wrong, you're wrong! #$%*&#$%!!! What the hell? Are you kidding me? I am officially offended.
Did you ever wanna smack someone you love? You're a dear friend, Brentwood but your latest blog entry makes me wish I lived close enough to argue you down off your soap box! You are Dead wrong this time, Brentwood [check it out]! If you read my blog, you know how much I love my cat. And you would know that he DOES fetch, he DOES sit at the door waiting for me to come in when he hears the garage door, he DOES love my affection and ALWAYS vies for time on my lap, he DOES communicate with me asking me to meet his needs, he DOESN'T smother my face, does NOT scratch up everything and does NOT stink up my house ~ it's called a poop scoop!!
I moved to Cow town in June and got Charlie in January. He has been with me ever since ~ 14 years. He has been a wonderful companion, in fact sleeping on the back of my chair now as I type on my lap top.
How insulting that you make a sweeping generalization that cats are worthless. Hello, if you're allergic, DON'T HAVE A CAT!
And dogs are a superior choice??? Dogs are for those who want a child that forever depends on him/her. "gotta go home, gotta let the dog out, etc." My cat doesn't shit on other people's yards, bark incessantly at it's own shadow, jump on visitors to our home, demand to be let out to go to the bathroom or I run the risk of it pissing on the floor, whine when the spoiled thing doesn't get what it wants, make me think I should have more than one to keep them company....
My only point, not everyone likes the same things, somebody has to like cats and your opinion SUCKS, Brentwood!
 July 09 Cement ShoesI just feel like I can't do it anymore. One more doctor, one more illness, one more person going thru hell. What is God trying to tell me?? What am I supposed to learn in all this?? That's the only way I can begin to comprehend/accept it all. I have to believe there is something good that's going to come from watching loved one after loved one go thru a physical breakdown. Damn, it's like wearing cement shoes. I don't want to pick up my feet, I don't wanna go thru the next step. I don't wanna be strong.
I wish I were strong enough to wear cement shoes. Instead I just have blisters and break down in tears all the time. Tears that I can't explain. Tears that pop out from no where and I tie a knot in the end of my rope and hang on.
Today is finally over. Took MIL to the surgeon today. Found out all the particulars ~ surgery is next week. Most likely 6 weeks of daily radiation will follow. How am I going to take someone to the hospital for radiation every day and still maintain a job? I don't want to quit my job. Husband can only miss so much time from work ~ it's most logical that I do it.
Ya know, I think sometimes, why does all of this make you so emotional?? I really believe that taking care of my FIL for 3 1/2 years while he battled to stay alive left scars on me that are huge and deep. It's hard to explain ~ the only thing I can think of is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now when I think of someone in the hospital or nursing home...even little things like feeding my Grandpa last weekend... it brings back viscious painful memories, sometimes I'm not even cognizant of them, and I find myself in tears or shaking. Just wanting to flee. I'm sure it sounds crazy. We went thru so much during that time ~ it was awful. My husband's life and mine was completely devoted to caring for my FIL and my MIL. I feel the walls closing in again.
I'm not making sense here and it's not helping ~ usually writing is cathartic. Tonight it's just frustrating.
July 02 They're All AlikeOH MY FREAKIN' WORD!!!! OMW! So, you've heard me rage about how my MIL doesn't wanna tell my Husband's brother about her impending surgery, etc. How enraged I get when I think about it.
I just found out my BIL's wife was in the hospital for two days!!!!! And nobody here knew it!!!! [they live @ 1 1/2 hours from us.] Apparently she was driving home from work ~ works in a major city and has to drive to the burbs home ~ and had a severe dizzy episode. She pulled off the road and flagged a construction worker who called 911 for her. Went to the hospital and was admitted.
Don't know about you but I know from my own experience that no hospital keeps ANYONE unless it's warranted. WTF??? They did tests, including an MRI, found nothing and she is home diagnosed with vertigo. So BIL decides to call and inform us.
I give up. They're all alike. Don't tell anyone anything until it's over. Live your life on a rock and be a martyr. Whatever. Why tell us then? Why not just carry on and keep it to yourself. Like me.  [hey, it's my blog. whatever.] Circling the Mountain...... or circling the drain? haha [My sardonic view of my life. So true, it's scary.]
Anyway, yesterday at work I was reminded of an interesting view of life. The journey is about circling the mountain. Few people go straight up the side and reach the top, plunge their flag in and live the rest of their days. I like that ~ it gives the issues I return to time and again some validity, some reassurance that "i'm okay, you're okay" peace of mind. Hmmm, I'm not a crazy bitch, I happen to have a 2 cylinder that takes more time than the average person to ascend the curves and finagle the tunnels, etc.
I remember the first time I thought perhaps I was a bit looney... I will spare you the therapy session details... I told this therapist about how I coped when I was a child ~ I would empty out the bottom of my closet, get blankets and my barbies or books, go inside and shut the door. I could play in there for hours!! She stopped writing, looked up and *tried* to say nonchalantly, "Really. Tell me about that." I knew instantly that she didn't hear *that* everyday! hmmm [I'm still most comforted in my bedroom and STILL have desires to join my cat in my closet at times!]
Those feelings of keep it to yourself came again when I was going thru a particular crisis and I told a close family member my woes, thinking I had found someone whose shoulder was broad enough to listen. I asked, "Am I draining to listen to?". I distinctly remember the look on her face, her body language as she simply said, "yes." WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA! "Truth Hurts" never rang truer or hit harder in my life!! It was then that I began to believe that people really didn't wanna hear my shit. The perfunctory "call me if I can do anything" or "call me if you need anything", "call if I can help", really means ~ I'll be thinking of you but I have my own shit to deal with, thank you. And it is quite true ~ everybody has their own shit to deal with, especially today. We're a society that wants to charge up the mountain with a bigger and bigger U-Haul to carry our things, jumping mountains so we may never see the same person twice. I wanna be Amish. I wanna be born on a mountain and never leave ~ the people I'm surrounded by will never leave as well ~ and we are charged with the mission to get to the top, leaving nobody behind. We don't think twice about sharing our U-Haul, stopping our car if someone else's breaks down. Or joining a car load if someone needs a break at a rest stop. We believe we'll all get to the top if we just take each others' hands and plod away.
Instead, if someone needs a rest stop today the others continue to race by, waving generously, but racing nonetheless. Hollering out the window, "call me!" and zooming on. Maybe, if you're lucky, they'll throw one of their packed sandwiches out the window as they go by. :)
Soooooo, "I'm fine." has become a way of life. I no longer allow anyone in the way I used to. [not like anyone is banging on the door!] I write mostly. I keep a journal of the darkest thoughts. I blog thinking that if someone wants to read it, fine but nobody feels any responsibility to respond, like face-to-face conversation. Nobody can see if I'm crying while I write ~ nobody to give me the heavy sigh and rolled eyes that tell me I'm sucking the energy out of her/him. I've been blessed to have a couple of people who know my deepest, darkest secrets. Two people I know I can call anytime with any thought or crisis. But I don't. I don't ever want to think that someone sees my number on caller ID and thinks, OH nooooooo.
Where was I going with this?? I don't know. [chuckle] Just thinking about the concept of circling the mountain...life is a U-Haul full of shit right now and I'd LOVE to have someone else pull it for a while. As my Mom would say, "yeah, well shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up first." Isn't that the truth. Guess I'll just keep plodding away. Go in my closet and sing my Disney songs and wish. hahaha Paints a pretty picture, huh? |
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