Welcome to Holland!

I am often asked to describe the experience of infertlity
to try to help people who have not shared that unique
experience, to understand it, to try to imagine how it
would feel.

 

It's like this. When you're going to have a
baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy.
You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans:
see the coliseum, Michaelangelo's David, the Sistene Chapel and the gondalas in Venice.
The list is endless and exciting!!  You may learn some handy phrases

in Italian. It's all very exciting! After years of eager anticipation the day finally
arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours
later the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says
"Welcome to Holland!". "Holland?" you say, "What do you
mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in
Itally. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy!"  But,
ther's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in
Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a
horrible disgusting filthy place full of pestilence,
famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must
go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new
language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you
would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower
paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you have
been there a while and catch your breath; you look around and
begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips,
Holland even has Rembrandts!

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy; and
they are all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.
And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that is where
I was supposed to go. That is what I had planned". And the pain
of that will never ever go away; because the loss of that dream
is a very significant loss. But if you spend your whole life
mourning the fact that you didn't get to go to Italy you may
never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things
about Holland!

 

That's my favorite quote of the week. I never knew how to put it when people would ask me why my husband and I didn't adopt. I wasn't keen on giving people a reason for our childfree life ~ I still have a hard time saying childfree vs childless ~ so I gave them as little information as possible. Never disclosed who was responsible, quote unquote, just said we weren't able to have kids. Until I read what you said, Helen, about not being able to rally the troops for both of us re: adoption, I couldn't put it into words, even for myself. And until I read those words I always felt a bit guilty, like it was such a bad thing that I didn't try to convince him to adopt. Now I realize that would not have been a good thing. Thank you, Helen~!!  Such a simple statement made a huge impact on me!

 

Helen, H2 [smile], I read your word and wanna hug you. I, too, joined this group to talk about the meat of my issue. I sometimes feel like the black cloud, not wanting to rain on everyone. I am envious of everyone who has made peace with the childfree life. I wish I could say I've moved beyond the darkness and am at a point where I can talk about this without crying. Unfortunately, I still cry. Still wishing I could go to Italy and get out of Holland.  I need a place where I can say it hurts like hell!!  Where other women do not take it personally when I say I HATE HOLLAND! I HATE TULIPS! I want the Trevi Fountain!!  [smiling]  I know I'm a child having a tantrum. I don't like it. I want the peace of God to wash over me and say, "it's okay, I have another plan for you."

 

Until then, I need somewhere to go where I can have my tantrums and those who are wiser can say, "hey, Terese, here is how I moved on." I want to move on. I don't want to be a bitter old woman. [smile]  But then I think, I never EVER want people to think this is my CHOICE.  Ya know, as I type this and think about it ~ I want people's pity.  OH MY GOODNESS, I never realized that! I guess I don't want people to think I'm okay with not having children. I want them to say "you poor thing. it must be hard." 

 

WOW! That is an epiphany I will repeat to anyone but you all!!  Ouch.

 

That's why I need you. To be able to think thru these things and try to come to grips with my thoughts/beliefs/dreams/ pain. I appreciate open and honest feedback ~ never feel you will hurt me. [smile]  Maybe I haven't moved on cuz I don't wanna let go, even if it's destroying me, I want to be associated with motherhood, even the loss of it.