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25 settembre And the Emmy goes to......[disclaimer: Dramatic content. Not suitable for some audience members.]
Sometimes I would like to have a soundtrack that follows me around. Today is one of them. The music playing would have a melancholy theme... scene opens with a lovely brunette walking slowly thru a field of knee high wild flowers, her long hair blowing softly in the breeze along with the Laura Ashley-esque dress she wears. She is lost in thought as the beautiful music echoes the pain in her heart. Tears stream slowly down her cheeks as she walks along. Finally exhausted from the relentless thoughts, she lies down in the shade and falls asleep.
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. I just wanna lie down and let the thoughts stop. My mind seems to work overtime. Ya wanna know what he said yesterday? After DAYS and DAYS and DAYS of discussing this bump in the road of paradise? "I know you care about her. I just think you take it a little too far. You just care too much." What? Excuse me? I could swear you just said that I care too much? ::looks around as if in the twilight zone::
Yeah, you read that correctly. I couldn't even answer. Please tell me HOW one cares too much for a living being? How does one stop oneself from caring? Do we say, "hmm, I may be feeling a little too much here. Better back off." We are not talking about a romantic relationship ~ these are children. Adult children, young children. People that God brought into my life and feed my soul. [told ya i was feeling dramatic] And this contant message of needing to put the brakes on is draining. Two boxers in opposite corners both thinking we're right.
Oh hell, maybe that's part of my mental illness. My emotional being...I feel everything to the nth degree. I know I'm black and white. Sometimes it's just easier to give in and stop the arguing. I'm sooooooooo sick and tired of fighting about this. I'm soooooooooooo tired of defending my actions. I don't like tension in our relationship. I don't like stress at home. I'm a problem solver. My instinct, when I see a problem or a road block, is to work my ass off to fix it. I can't fix this. The anger swirls in my head, thinking about what you've said and how I don't feel the same...until I'm in tears. I can't fix this. I can't change you.
There's got to be a solution somewhere. 18 settembre I Should Know Better...Small.
Embarrassed.
Ashamed.
Sad.
Humbled.
What happened in your life to make you now dependent on a wheel chair with only head controls? Dependent on a 24/7 personal aide?
And you, another person at the table, had a severe stroke? When? What was your life life before? Now you're so embarassed by the accidental saliva that escapes when you rush your words. I struggle to make out what you're saying, trying to preserve your dignity.
And You were born with severe cerebral palsey. You wear a scarf around your neck to absorb the drool you cannot control. You try with all your might but cannot speak intelligibly, only those who know you well can understand you. I try not to pity you. I try to look you in the eye when you're struggling so hard to get out a simple sentence. I try not to get too impatient as I cannot understand. I refuse to look at someone else and say "what did he say?" as if you aren't there, yet I can only make out one or two words.
All three of you are trapped in bad bodies, as my friends C & D so eloquently put it, yet you use every ounce of strength and capability you possess to manage a non-profit organization so that you can serve others in the community who are even more trapped.
Meeting you for the first time for your executive board meeting I felt all those emotions listed above. Afterwards I left the meeting shook. Feeling like a big ole schmuck, yet I was upset for many reasons, and most confounding was that I could not identify why. Reactions swirled in my head and I couldn't understand why because I have spent half my life around people with disabilites. I wanted to scream at someone 'WHAT THE HELL WAS *THAT*? WHY WASN'T I PREPARED??" Why didn't the temp agency tell me? Because they didn't have to. I understand the need for people to be treated with equality...yet what if someone walked in who had no experience with people with disabilites? Then those people sitting on the board would have experienced what they always do ~ rejection. That pains me. But instead of being glad I was able to serve them I still cannot understand the profound sadness that I feel. The only thing I can come up with is the fact that they are adults who have their minds intact where as I am more at ease with those individuals who are born with cognitive disabilities, never knowing that they are missing. [if that makes sense] I felt like one of those people who can only pity someone for what they are not instead of seeing what they *are.* I don't like it.
This group has asked me to attend their future board and executive board meetings to take minutes. I feel like I "should" as much as I want to. Perhaps I have been led to them. Perhaps it is the way to give back that I have been looking for. I think I'm a martyr at heart...I feel like a martyr, not really wanting to be there ~ it's much easier to say "no thank you" and return to the assignments in the corporate world where I see money pissed away like running water. The hearts of these people are huge, beyond measure. The strength they possess calls me higher. I want to be there cuz I *wanna* be there, not cuz I think I should. hmmmm
Why?I recently shared, on separate occassions, with two confidantes that I lacked a passion. I have been feeling like I don't have direction. Nothing pulling me in the way I should go. One person quietly agreed and hoped that I would find it. The other person vehemently disagreed and listed the areas she thought I had passion. [humble thanks] Well, I may never make one red cent but I have found one passion that boils close to the surface and it hit me like a ton of bricks! And it leads to the title of this blog. WHY??!!!
What an open ended question, huh? Well, my *why* of the day is related to children. People who have children and then decide to quit. Quit being a parent. Quit feeling responsible for your child's well being. You people should be sent to jail. Do not pass Go. Do *not* collect $200. When did the decision to quit seem to make sense to you? I AM RAGING! I am so tired of learning about parents who have walked away from their kid/s. I hear these stories and think "that can't be, it just can't be." I don't consider myself the most enlightened, certainly not free of mistakes [then you'd have to call me Jesus Teresa ;)] but I don't get this behavior. I hear people retell nasty things their parent/s say to them ~ what the hell??? One parent has been MIA for years. One who comes and goes into this child's life at her leisure. One child whose parent said "whatever, I don't need you. I want to be happy." HUH????? These are smart, beautiful children!
I don't get it. And what the *hell* do you say to someone who feels totally abandoned by the ones who are "supposed" to protect and nurture them? I know for myself I'm forever a child in the presence of my parents. I may be a grown woman but that little girl is in there under that tough exterior. So I ask you, parents who have quit your children, what would it do to *you* if *your* parents quit on you? What message are you imprinting on your child's psyche?
And the sad reality is that no matter the passion I feel for these children of stupid adults there is nothing I can do to fill the whole in their hearts that only a parent can fill. Perhaps the adult child can make peace with the circumstances that caused his/her parent to walk away but that little boy or girl forever wishes that Mommy or Daddy just loved him/her. So I guess I'm left with a tortured passion. Not much I can do to help. Hopefully these children find the means to drill into them that it's not *their* fault. That it has nothing to do with you being unlovable, but rather a flaw in your parent. A terrible dominate gene that makes them stupid! Horribly self serving and STUPID!
[maybe that's the support group I can start! "Hello, my name is ____ and I'm a child of a stupid adult." "hello ____."] 14 settembre RefreshingI forget how much I enjoy crocheting until I start another project. I tend to flit from one craft to another and now I'm back to the crochet hook. I finished the project I started at LBA's, added a baby hat and booties. So now I'm going through patterns and deciding what to do next. I've decided on a sweater and I have the yarn, I just need the exact pattern. So many choices! ha
It's refreshing to my spirit to create something with my hands. Ode to chocolate!Thanks, LBA, for the quote that I had to add to my blog!!
Let Chocolate Sing!!  12 settembre Oh how blessed am I!Hello Everyone ~ all my blog fans. hahahaha
Thank you, everyone, for your warm thoughts and prayers for my grandpa. He is improving, given that he is 91 years old and he wasn't in the best of health to begin with.
I just returned from an extended warm hug. [Or relate it to whatever it is in your life that brings you peace and comfort.] I had the luxury of spending 5 days with my sister-friend, LBA. It was FABulous! She is one of the few people in the world that I can just be with. No pretentions, no having to try to be a nonintrusive guest. We had great conversation; were comfortable in the silence; and had fun outings. I even started a new crochet project. [I can't believe you don't remember teaching me!] We went to the casino and I won! That is not the norm for me and the slots. We found a couple of great machines that were loose. I took my winings to the mall and we poked around the clearance racks. lol
We spent time with her family as well. My heart goes out to her father. Getting old sucks to begin with and then to lose your partner of 55 years? Yuck. I always enjoy being around LBA and her family cuz they have different social behaviors than mine. They are New Englanders thru and thru and I'm from Midwest folk. One is not better than the other, just a different culture. I learn from them and have for the 27+ years that I've known LBA.
The whole family is dealing with the loss of their mother/wife with such grace. They are all so strong! [I can only wish!] Again, I was fortunate to have the time to go out and stay with LBA and soak up all that love! I so cherish our friendship!
My soul is refilled. Thank you for your gracious hospitality.
03 settembre Life changes in a snapMy father just telephoned me. I thought he was calling to ask about our trip to DC ~ we returned home today.
Insted, he called to tell me that my grandpa had a stroke this afternoon. He can no longer use his right hand, speak, or eat independently. He's also aspirating when he eats.
He's 91...I grew up just 15 minutes away so I have many many memories. He was a dairy farmer, a very hard worker. After saying goodbye to my Dad, I just sit here kinda stunned. The years go through my mind and tears flow slowly, thinking of what this strong man has been reduced to. Poor Grandpa. I feel 5 years old. And Grandma...can't be there for him like they both need.
Life....sucks sometimes. |
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