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July 28 #21 - Give Thanks....argh...geeeeeez, I suck at giving thanks. I wanted to do the Weekly Grace [Gift] and have fallen so far behind! So, I said, think of something. Right now, today, this moment, I am very thankful for chocolate. Dark chocolate. [did you know that Reese Cups now have a dark option??] And if the dark chocolate is paired with peanuts, almonds or cashews? well, pay dirt, in my opinion!!
     So, I thought I'd add a few images for fun. I searched "dark chocolate." The last picture here was under "those who searched for 'dark chocolate' also searched for:". What??? A group of men???? okay, whatever. I rolled my eyes but have to admit, I did so with a smirk.
July 27 I Choose to ParticipateI had entertained leaving Friday night but decided it would be better to wait until Saturday. Start fresh. Well, I should have left the evening before because the night was full of interrupted sleep and restlessness, finally ending at 6:30 a.m. when I decided to start my day. I arrived at the nursing home only to find him sleeping so soundly he could not be roused. After several attempts to stir him awake I went to visit Grandma. We went outside for a short walk, talked a bit and I returned to see if Grandpa was awake. He was still soundly sleeping. His cheeks were flushed. I learned he spent the day before in a similar state. The hospice nurse told us he may have a fever at the end and slip quietly into a coma and finally pass away. My visit ended wondering if perhaps I wouldn't see him awake and interactive ever again.
I returned on Sunday to find him awake. He seemed to recognize me, giving me a warm kiss and a smile. When I asked him, "What's shakin', Grandpa?" he responded with, "Me," and did a little jig in his chair. We both chuckled at that. It was well past time for him to be eating. I was frustrated when I learned that he was to be taken to the dining room and none of the staff seemed to know that. So, we called the nurse who called the aide [nurses can't be bothered with "aide" duties!] who prepared Grandpa for lunch. I stepped out of the room as more than a couple of people tend to cause chaos for him.
I passed by the dining room to verify if a staff person was indeed feeding him as directed. I caught his eye and saluted him with a smile. The biggest smile spread across his face and his eyes were so alert that I was very briefly reminded of the precious man who once resided in that body.
The staff had left him alone and he was trying to eat with his fingers. I pulled up a chair to assist him and that's when I learned, in one brief hour, how the brain tumor has ravaged him of so much. Communication is the exchange of information. So much is stolen from the person who cannot speak. Who cannot use a fork or spoon. I tried to read his behavior, the little motions, to do the best I could to give him what he wanted from his plate of food. A plate shaped exactly like the ones I used with the kids who were deafblind. And a big old towel/bib on my grandpa. I wanted a normal plate. I wanted him to be able to drop food like any other adult who accidently spills. I wanted him to have the dignity of an adult man, not reduced to a handicapped child! He picked at the food, I thought he was eating with his fingers. I misinterpretted that as he was actually thinking he was picking up a utentsil. His brain tumor has also induced OCD-like behavior. He found a rip in the paper placemat and could not let it go. He smoothed it and smoothed it and tried to rip it ~ consumed with this piece of paper.
I became frustrated for so many reasons, realizing this was so much more than just assisting him with eating. Added to the frustration was the anguish I felt for this man who could not control what was happening to his body and mind. The tears I could no longer swallow rolled down my cheeks as I sat in a nursing home's dining room trying to feed my grandpa, thinking, what the hell is going on here. For a moment it all felt surreal. I quickly dried my tears and realized how extremely isolating it felt even as strangers passed by, other residents continued to eat or be fed by family members and staff, and chatter went on all around us. For a moment all noise and people fell away from us and it was just him and me. He stopped what he was doing [picking at some piece of lint on his shirt]...raised his eyes....looked me straight in the eye...and we just held the gaze for maybe 15 seconds. A granddaughter and her grandfather. Sharing an experience so difficult for us both. Something I'll never forget. Something that shouldn't be.
I left the nursing home. Went to my parents' house and sat on the porch. A bit numb, wondering, "does everyone go thru this?" The little girl in me wants so badly to be comforted. I want someone to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay. It will stop hurting one day. But I know what I've experienced this summer will never truly go away. How it will live in me and the effects it will have remain to be seen. But there are some experiences in life that you *know* will forever change you, even as you are going thru them. Losing my grandparents like I am are some of those.
July 17 One at a TimeWe got thru one stage ~ surgery. The cancer is worse than the doctors predicted. We spent a restless night with her at her home after she came home from the hospital. Now we sit on pins and needles waiting for the surgical pathology to come back. Has the cancer spread to the lymph nodes? I phoned the Dr.'s office twice, having to leave messages, just trying to get a post-op appointment. We won't know anything until next Wednesday. She is so weak. It's taking it's toll on all of us.
I would love to go home this weekend. Try to offer some encouragement to my parents as they care for my Grandparents. It's 3 hours away. Just the drive makes me tired. :) I want to go home and be nurtured but I have to put on the happy face and try to GIVE some energy, not suck it away. I want to take a break. Just go fill up my cup, restore my energy level. But that's not possible right now.
So, I take what I can get ~ the blessed few hours I have in my home tonight, alone, before a hectic day at work tomorrow. It's so cliche, it's pathetic, but truly? .... this is just one challenge at a time. I can't think much beyond tomorrow and whether or not I'll go home this weekend. Then it's work again until we revisit the surgeon and, prayerfully, get good news about the cancer and what the adjuvant therapy will be.
July 12 When you're wrong, you're wrong! #$%*&#$%!!! What the hell? Are you kidding me? I am officially offended.
Did you ever wanna smack someone you love? You're a dear friend, Brentwood but your latest blog entry makes me wish I lived close enough to argue you down off your soap box! You are Dead wrong this time, Brentwood [check it out]! If you read my blog, you know how much I love my cat. And you would know that he DOES fetch, he DOES sit at the door waiting for me to come in when he hears the garage door, he DOES love my affection and ALWAYS vies for time on my lap, he DOES communicate with me asking me to meet his needs, he DOESN'T smother my face, does NOT scratch up everything and does NOT stink up my house ~ it's called a poop scoop!!
I moved to Cow town in June and got Charlie in January. He has been with me ever since ~ 14 years. He has been a wonderful companion, in fact sleeping on the back of my chair now as I type on my lap top.
How insulting that you make a sweeping generalization that cats are worthless. Hello, if you're allergic, DON'T HAVE A CAT!
And dogs are a superior choice??? Dogs are for those who want a child that forever depends on him/her. "gotta go home, gotta let the dog out, etc." My cat doesn't shit on other people's yards, bark incessantly at it's own shadow, jump on visitors to our home, demand to be let out to go to the bathroom or I run the risk of it pissing on the floor, whine when the spoiled thing doesn't get what it wants, make me think I should have more than one to keep them company....
My only point, not everyone likes the same things, somebody has to like cats and your opinion SUCKS, Brentwood!
 July 09 Cement ShoesI just feel like I can't do it anymore. One more doctor, one more illness, one more person going thru hell. What is God trying to tell me?? What am I supposed to learn in all this?? That's the only way I can begin to comprehend/accept it all. I have to believe there is something good that's going to come from watching loved one after loved one go thru a physical breakdown. Damn, it's like wearing cement shoes. I don't want to pick up my feet, I don't wanna go thru the next step. I don't wanna be strong.
I wish I were strong enough to wear cement shoes. Instead I just have blisters and break down in tears all the time. Tears that I can't explain. Tears that pop out from no where and I tie a knot in the end of my rope and hang on.
Today is finally over. Took MIL to the surgeon today. Found out all the particulars ~ surgery is next week. Most likely 6 weeks of daily radiation will follow. How am I going to take someone to the hospital for radiation every day and still maintain a job? I don't want to quit my job. Husband can only miss so much time from work ~ it's most logical that I do it.
Ya know, I think sometimes, why does all of this make you so emotional?? I really believe that taking care of my FIL for 3 1/2 years while he battled to stay alive left scars on me that are huge and deep. It's hard to explain ~ the only thing I can think of is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now when I think of someone in the hospital or nursing home...even little things like feeding my Grandpa last weekend... it brings back viscious painful memories, sometimes I'm not even cognizant of them, and I find myself in tears or shaking. Just wanting to flee. I'm sure it sounds crazy. We went thru so much during that time ~ it was awful. My husband's life and mine was completely devoted to caring for my FIL and my MIL. I feel the walls closing in again.
I'm not making sense here and it's not helping ~ usually writing is cathartic. Tonight it's just frustrating.
July 02 They're All AlikeOH MY FREAKIN' WORD!!!! OMW! So, you've heard me rage about how my MIL doesn't wanna tell my Husband's brother about her impending surgery, etc. How enraged I get when I think about it.
I just found out my BIL's wife was in the hospital for two days!!!!! And nobody here knew it!!!! [they live @ 1 1/2 hours from us.] Apparently she was driving home from work ~ works in a major city and has to drive to the burbs home ~ and had a severe dizzy episode. She pulled off the road and flagged a construction worker who called 911 for her. Went to the hospital and was admitted.
Don't know about you but I know from my own experience that no hospital keeps ANYONE unless it's warranted. WTF??? They did tests, including an MRI, found nothing and she is home diagnosed with vertigo. So BIL decides to call and inform us.
I give up. They're all alike. Don't tell anyone anything until it's over. Live your life on a rock and be a martyr. Whatever. Why tell us then? Why not just carry on and keep it to yourself. Like me.  [hey, it's my blog. whatever.] Circling the Mountain...... or circling the drain? haha [My sardonic view of my life. So true, it's scary.]
Anyway, yesterday at work I was reminded of an interesting view of life. The journey is about circling the mountain. Few people go straight up the side and reach the top, plunge their flag in and live the rest of their days. I like that ~ it gives the issues I return to time and again some validity, some reassurance that "i'm okay, you're okay" peace of mind. Hmmm, I'm not a crazy bitch, I happen to have a 2 cylinder that takes more time than the average person to ascend the curves and finagle the tunnels, etc.
I remember the first time I thought perhaps I was a bit looney... I will spare you the therapy session details... I told this therapist about how I coped when I was a child ~ I would empty out the bottom of my closet, get blankets and my barbies or books, go inside and shut the door. I could play in there for hours!! She stopped writing, looked up and *tried* to say nonchalantly, "Really. Tell me about that." I knew instantly that she didn't hear *that* everyday! hmmm [I'm still most comforted in my bedroom and STILL have desires to join my cat in my closet at times!]
Those feelings of keep it to yourself came again when I was going thru a particular crisis and I told a close family member my woes, thinking I had found someone whose shoulder was broad enough to listen. I asked, "Am I draining to listen to?". I distinctly remember the look on her face, her body language as she simply said, "yes." WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA! "Truth Hurts" never rang truer or hit harder in my life!! It was then that I began to believe that people really didn't wanna hear my shit. The perfunctory "call me if I can do anything" or "call me if you need anything", "call if I can help", really means ~ I'll be thinking of you but I have my own shit to deal with, thank you. And it is quite true ~ everybody has their own shit to deal with, especially today. We're a society that wants to charge up the mountain with a bigger and bigger U-Haul to carry our things, jumping mountains so we may never see the same person twice. I wanna be Amish. I wanna be born on a mountain and never leave ~ the people I'm surrounded by will never leave as well ~ and we are charged with the mission to get to the top, leaving nobody behind. We don't think twice about sharing our U-Haul, stopping our car if someone else's breaks down. Or joining a car load if someone needs a break at a rest stop. We believe we'll all get to the top if we just take each others' hands and plod away.
Instead, if someone needs a rest stop today the others continue to race by, waving generously, but racing nonetheless. Hollering out the window, "call me!" and zooming on. Maybe, if you're lucky, they'll throw one of their packed sandwiches out the window as they go by. :)
Soooooo, "I'm fine." has become a way of life. I no longer allow anyone in the way I used to. [not like anyone is banging on the door!] I write mostly. I keep a journal of the darkest thoughts. I blog thinking that if someone wants to read it, fine but nobody feels any responsibility to respond, like face-to-face conversation. Nobody can see if I'm crying while I write ~ nobody to give me the heavy sigh and rolled eyes that tell me I'm sucking the energy out of her/him. I've been blessed to have a couple of people who know my deepest, darkest secrets. Two people I know I can call anytime with any thought or crisis. But I don't. I don't ever want to think that someone sees my number on caller ID and thinks, OH nooooooo.
Where was I going with this?? I don't know. [chuckle] Just thinking about the concept of circling the mountain...life is a U-Haul full of shit right now and I'd LOVE to have someone else pull it for a while. As my Mom would say, "yeah, well shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up first." Isn't that the truth. Guess I'll just keep plodding away. Go in my closet and sing my Disney songs and wish. hahaha Paints a pretty picture, huh? |
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