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30 giugno Gifts #19 & 20Ack...I'm really struggling, trying to find a Gift for this week. That's awful! I mean, awful that I'm so focused on the crap in my life that I'm not able to quickly come up with a gift. I don't even know if I'm on the right week.
I'm grateful for my job. Despite the fact that I work for a condescending ass of a man, I work with some fabulous women. For whatever reason they bring out the humor in me and I end up hearing at least once a day, "you crack me up." It's nice to know that I can be silly and crazy even while working hard. We bust our you-know-whats for those doctors and I think we are the only ones who appreciate how hard we work. It's nice to work in an environment where we all work hard and share the same work ethic.
I wish I worked with a few more people but there are perks of the job. Things I haven't had at other jobs... I can have my radio on, IM whenever, not lots of layers of beauracracy [sp?], free ample parking [how I appreciate *that* after OSU!!], and thankfully, only one boss! :)
And I have $$ to spend on special people ~ like the twins who are 16 this week!! 16!!! When we were in AC, one of Husband's cousins has 2 little ones. Ohhhhhhhhh, it was so nice to hold that baby!! 6 months old ~ my favorite age! I remember when the twins were little and I would be home visiting and go to their house, I would beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg my SIL to allow me to go get them. [They were napping!!! LOL] Of course she would tell me NO!! She had a couple of hours of quiet ~ disturb them and DIE!! Is there anything better than going into a baby's room and they are standing at the end of the crib bed with their arms extended wanting to be picked up? And if you were lucky they weren't really awake yet so when you picked them up they would lie their head on your shoulder and snug for a bit. Oh, one of life's greatest joys.
Wish we had a baby in the family. :) The youngest is 10 this year. Double digits. Ack. But I'm grateful for them, too. :) xoxo
27 giugno CancerHave you ever been so angry that you felt paralyzed? So angry that all you can manage to do is shake your head back and forth in short, rapid motions? Knowing that if you allowed yourself to move beyond that point in your head, or opened your mouth to say something, it may resemble the breaking of a levy holding back a raging gush of water?!
Yep, that's where I am.
"Lighten up, T., just lighten up.", I keep trying to tell myself. It doesn't do any good to get angry. And I know it's just a projection of my feelings of fear and dread. I'd much rather be angry with someone else than have to deal with what's coming. The doctors...the surgery... the caretaking....
Perhaps, I'm thinking the worst. I should hope for the best ~ a rapid recovery and little aftereffects.
My Grandfather has a malignant brain tumor that is taking him slowly. He's in his last days.
My mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday. And the bottom line ~ down and dirty ~ is, I don't wanna deal with it. Not because I don't care about her. I just don't wanna gather the emotional fortitude required to go down this road. I know what's coming and I know it will be me dealing with the day-to-day. The only other family lives 1 1/2 hours away and if how they dealt with my father-in-law's extended illness is any indication of how they will be this time ~ yeah, we're in it alone. Husband, of course, does what he can but it will be me taking the leave from work. It's just more practical.
Why the anger? Cuz they don't even have to KNOW!!!! They get to live 1 1/2 hours away in their little carefree bubble cuz MIL doesn't wanny worry them. Ya know, they have the kids and all. WTF??????? We're the lucky winners cuz we don't have kids??????
See, I can't even let the levy break here. I can't go there in my mind cuz I get furious.
Whatever. It is what it is and we have to deal. I'd rather be with my Mom, if I'm taking time off work. I'd rather spend my energy grieving for my Grandfather.
"Just don't go there, T. Just don't go there."
Shooting in Atlantic CityA movie, that is.
Husband and I took his mother to New Jersey for our annual visit ~ she was raised in a small town about 20 miles outside AC. She stays with her brother and family in the small town and Husband and I stay in AC. Soooooo, one day she was visiting friends so he and I went out to stroll the Boardwalk. We stayed at the far North end at the Showboat so we had the length of the Boardwalk to go ~
 I say this because it can take hours if you're just strolling, like we were! :) And we go in and out of the casinos....well, you get the idea.So, we come out of our hotel and here are these giant trucks parked right in the middle of everything! Usually a police car drives along at night or if there is a scuffle or something but nothing like this! Trucks with generators running. Crane-like gizmos...TONS of people scurrying about, dragging loads of equipment looking stuff ~ of course I had to ask. "Making a movie", I was told. Oh, interesting, I thought. Then as we walked further we saw the cameras and whatnot. And the craziness as we approached just got worse and worse!!!
OH MY FREAKIN' WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a clusterf***. Turns out it's a movie tentatively entitled "The Bounty" with Jennifer Aniston. I knew that movies weren't shot scene by scene, continuously, like we see in the final result. But never did I realize that one freakin' little scene of her coming down the steps of the Trump casino could take HOURS! We watched for a bit while the stand-in was there. [I found the following comment about stand-ins particulary ironic ~
First, let's talk about why stand-ins are used. Film is an incredibly technical medium. Sometimes it can take hours (or more) to set-up a single shot, especially if there are effects involved. Expecting an actor to have the stamina to walk through a piece of blocking dozens of times while the set dressers worry about where to place a fire hydrant, and then provide a fresh, emotional performance just isn't reasonable. This is where stand-in's come in.
Why, of course, silly me. Why would you expect an actor who makes, oh, FOURTEEN MILLION DOLLARS $$$ to have the *stamina* to stand there for a long time!!]
Anyway, I couldn't believe all the little rats that ran around like chickens without heads, how many it took to make this one scene. Talk about pissing away your resources! And all we heard from these people [with megaphones] was, "If you're not with the production keep moving!!" Over and over and over and over! Then they had their "background" people who were lined up and made to stand there forever, finally got ready to shoot and it was a total of about 2 minutes, tops. Then it was, "Ok, reset!" I would have pulled my hair out! They must have done this 15 times before they brought out Miss Aniston to shoot the scene for real. THEN it was done over and over and over. Rediculous!
Husband and I finally left and when we returned a few hours later? Yep, still there!! Cuz it had rained.
The next day we had some relief cuz I heard they were shooting at the Borgata ~ a casino not on the Boardwalk. What amazed me were the bystanders. I watched them for quite some time as we sat on the bench. People were sooooooooooo excited to share that they had seen Jennifer Aniston!!!!!! "We saw her on Texas Ave yesterday." "We saw her on the beach." I went to get a soda and the vendor said, "did you see Jennifer Aniston??" I said, "yes." "Did you meet her??" I must have made a disgusted face and said, "no", cuz the woman said, "why the face?" I told her ~ she [J.A.] is just a person! I don't get it. Why would I want to meet her?? cuz we have so much in common?? LOL Maybe we could share insights about our perspective professions??? whatever
The whole thing just had me shaking my head. People standing around for hours just to get a glimpse of her. Paparazzi on the beach behind the sea grass with their telescopic lenses. She's driven up to the scene in a big black Suburban with the windows all dark with about 4 assistants with her...people practically pissing themselves as she is led to the scene about 10 feet away. I guess I just don't get it.
Now the crew who are sweating and lifting and schlepping all the equipment in the rain, heat, humidity??? ~ now THEY should be making the $$. Something is askew with this process!
20 giugno If you can't say it outloud......say it in a blog, right? :) Did you ever stop and think "I've been around this person my whole life and I really don't know him/her?" Today is one of those days. My "little" brother has been a fire*man* since he was, oh, probably 8 or 9 years old. His passion was ignited [hmmm, pardon the pun] when he began following my father to fire/rescue calls for our hometown's volunteer fire department. [Some may think volunteer equals inadequate but it was all we had and I soooo admired my father for sacrificing his time to our community, in whatever capacity he could. Some professionals look down upon volunteers, but...well, Oprah, that's another show.]
It appears, from my view, that my brother knew what career path he wanted from a very early age. How I envied that! He has been a professional firefighter for many years and is currently a Lieutenant. wow! He recently posted online some photos from a fire training in which he participated. The first time I saw him in his turnout gear [prior to these photos] I literally gasped! And I had a similar reaction this time. I knew what he did for a living. Hell, I've watched Johnny and Roy in action on "Emergency"! But there, on the screen, was my little brother. Did I really know what his job entails??
Soooooooooo many thoughts went thru my head as I looked at the series of pics...fear, bravery, heat exhaustion, urgency, piss-my-pants-oh-my-God-that-roof-is-IN FLAMES AND YOU'RE ON TOP OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!! "DON'T GO IN THERE!!!! That house is full of SMOKE!!!!" How those men must trust each other with their lives! Such a brotherhood. That "Man" rush of adrenaline that must enable them to run into a smokey/fire-filled building. The little things like their name on the back of their coat...that choked me up. The out of focus picture of a man inside the house and thinking that must be what they see when they're in there searching for survivors. I felt ignorant when I realized from that photo that the reflective strips on their coats are not only for OUTSIDE the building. Seeing my brother with his entire face covered in a mask, carrying an oxygen tank on his back, hands in gloves ~ realizing the amount of unspoken communication that goes on between these men. Then there is the photo of him, in profile, and you can see his wedding ring [swallow the lump]. Despite the sisterly love I have for him, it pales in comparison to what his family must think. It gives such new meaning to the mantra "All Must Come Home."
It's not often that we take pictures of ourselves at work. I'm thankful that I got a glimpse of that part of his life. I'm so proud of him and respect him greatly for what he is able to do. I wish we knew each other better.
 17 giugno TearsYou've heard me write, ad nauseam, about crying. Looks like I'm going thru another bought of Tears without Fears. [put that on my headstone someday, k?] This morning a friend sent me an innocuous email ~ just heart felt photos. Yep, tears.
 Watching a touching movie last night ~ tears. Just out of nowhere can come the tears. Argh....I guess it's healthy to get it out.
When all else fails, go for the fat.So, for anyone who knows me knows the tense relationship I share with my sister-in-law. Well....weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelll, [sarcastic snicker] she opened the door this past weekend, with a challenging comment, for me to share some of my thoughts with her. So I wrote a well thought out email saying, "I feel this way toward you because of this, etc." It wasn't rude, just sharing a bit. I didn't think I would make any earth shattering changes in our relationship. HOWEVER comma I didn't expect what was returned. Among the shallowness was one sarcastic comment about ...wait, I should quote this...
I know that you don’t understand why I [don't let people come visit my home], just like I don’t understand why
you can eat fattening foods when you’re overweight to begin with. (I’m simply being honest here, ’kay?)
[shaking head] When all else fails, go for the fat comment, right?
16 giugno True Confessions...uh, DepressionsI frequently have blog ideas...when I'm driving in rush hour traffic...in the shower...lying awake at night...reading my latest novel.... Then I show up here and [BLAH] nothing. Oh, don't get me wrong, there are ALWAYS thoughts flowing thru my mind. I don't think it ever rests. Just not anything note worthy and if I do have something that I'd like to write about, it's depressing and I tell myself, "who wants to hear that." I think perhaps I should start another blog and make it a private journal. I liked this one because it forced me to keep things lite in my emotional life. I didn't sink into that black whole. Lately, however, I need to write about what's going on in the black hole and I don't know if I want it out there for "public." [like I have oodles of people reading this thing!]
My darkness puts me out there to be judged. I may never hear the actual words that my writings elicit but I hear them in my head. ["geez, she's a mess!, etc.] A prime example of something I really did hear ~ not just in my Sybil mind: Recently I heard someone say, "she's not dealing with this [grandpa's death] very well, is she?" I felt shame. [oh the shame! thought of changing my name! I got so down hearted every time that I ~ Pumba, not in front of the kids!] [woops, ADD in action!]
I feel shame cuz it's as tho there's a whole standard/scale of grief and I'm getting a C-, at best. Grief, no matter how much information you take in cerebrally, grief blindsides you. We hear "there are no rules"; "you'll feel different things at different times"; "there are stages you'll go thru"; but *nothing* prepares you for the onslaught of tears and heartache that smakcks into you when you're doing something innocuous like brushing your teeth. Or putting laundry from the washer to the dryer and tears start rolling down my cheeks. ["she's not dealing with this very well, huh?"] If this is the acid test, then no, I'm not.
Is is "normal"? Hell if I know. Hell if I care. I just know for me, "it" hurts. I never told anyone this...cuz I don't think anyone will "get it." But I'm carrying around a weight that has to be dropped somewhere. When my Grandpa S. was alive and had had his second stroke the nursing home would put him out in the general area/lounge, conveniently situated by the nurses station, so they could keep an eye on him. My Grandpa K. had just been diagnosed with his brain tumor and was now a resident at the same nursing home. I had gone out to visit Gpa K first, thinking I would go see Gpa & Gma S. afterwards. Gpa K wanted to go for a walk so we started up the hall and when we got to the general area/lounge, Gpa S. was sitting there. He looked so pitiful, not being able to talk, dressed all dissheveled, beautiful white hair all askew, so we walked over to him and when he recognized me he pushed himself up in his chair a bit and reached out for me. [he could no longer talk at this time.] I gave him a hug and kiss and tried to talk with him but Gpa K was getting antsy so I told Gps S I would be back later. I will live to be 100 and not forget that pleading look in Gpa S's eyes as he just clutched my arm so tightly. I had to walk away cuz Gpa K couldn't walk alone. It killed me to walk away from him. I fought back the tears. Gpa K and I then ventured down to Gma S's room and she was having a bad day and didn't want to talk to me. Off in another world. Again I swallowed the tears that wanted to spill. I walked Gpa K back to his room, barely holding the tears in, said goodbye and left. Walked straight out of the nursing home. At the time, it was just too much. I have nursing home PTSD anyway and then to see all my beloved grandparents in there and all in various stages of decomposition. It was a tidal wave of emotion that I couldn't handle. And I just walked out. Knowing my Gpa S was waiting for me to come back. I just left.
I write this sobbing ~ the guilt is soooooooooo overwhelming. I should have gone back after I collected myself. It was just such a clusterfuck of saddness! But there aren't any excuses. I'm so sorry, Grandpa. I'm so so sorry. I know you're in a better place now. I have to believe that. But I'm so sorry that I walked away. Forgive me, Grandpa. I hear people's voices saying "don't do this to yourself" blah blah blah...but it is what it is ~ a mistake I cannot make up for. I'm disappointed in myself that I let him and me down. I didn't "buck up" and handle the emotion. I CHOSE to walk away. To be a coward. I'm sorry, Grandpa.
So when I hear someone say or thinking, "she's not dealing with this very well", I'm ashamed because no I'm not and only I know why. Add to that Gpa K's condition and Gma S's state of mind....if waves of tears, isolating myself, and lethargy are the deciding factors....you're right, I'm not dealing very well. 10 giugno THANK YOU!Thank you, Brent & Deb! I needed that laugh!! Deb is so serious in her account of justifying her black shoe collection. Every woman can relate! And Brentwood, famously satiring man's desire for a collection of say FIVE pairs! Echoing my husband's exact words. Gosh, I laughed out loud!!
With all the shit going on, your humor is greatly appreciated!! :) 05 giugno Crazy, I tell YouHave you ever wanted to just *smack* a child? Best part is, the child isn't yours. Shake the sh** out her?? I'm shocked to see this child acting like a selfish brat. Completely disregarding the obvious. Rude, selfish and utterly disgraceful behavior!
There are lots of "I would...s" going thru my mind. If she were *mine* I would....Her mother needs to.... Her father should....
Well, she isn't so I don't. It's easy to be a Monday morning quarterback, thinking this behavior wouldn't exist if she were mine. HA [never fear, i'm not that ignorant.] I just wish I could make her understand that her actions affect soooooo many people in hurtful ways. And it would take so very little to ammend the situation.
Grandpa Kime continues to fade. He spent most of yesterday morning vomiting. Not sure what that was about. I wish he would just go to sleep and fade away, not struggle with his body shutting down. It's so difficult to wait, praying the physical ails will not torture him relentlessly. If you're one to say a prayer, please pray that God moves swiftly with His plan. 03 giugno Rules of GriefCan someone loan me their handbook? Cuz I'm clearly lacking the skills necessary for mourning the "right" way. Yea, yea, I know, the irony is there are no rules.
We buried my paternal grandfather on Saturday and right after the cemetary ritual we learned my maternal grandfather had fallen, gashed open the back of his head and had internal cranial bleeding. WHAT????
The nursing home has called in hospice. He continues to sleep the majority of the time. Today my mom reports he vomited most of the morning and couldn't get any lunch down. Then slept most of the afternoon. So we wait. And we try to make him comfortable. And we try not to think about how he must be feeling...losing his independence, his strength. Having to be fed by his daughter.
My mom is so strong. My heart aches for her.
The tears come swiftly and without warning. I'm searching for that warm place to fall...I've yet to find it. |
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