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June 23 Do I have to be *born* Amish?I am in mourning. I hate all things computerized / electronic / beyond my realm if understanding. I am strongly considering converting to Amish. No electronics, i.e., computers. No photos to scrapbook as they do not take photos of each other as to not have any graven images. No need for a wardrobe other than what is absolutely necessary. No need to vote!! No TV to witness the endless campaign rehetoric! NO need for a hair stylist ~ oh wouldn't *that* be awesome! No bathroom endlessly cluttered with bottles of this and that and tubes and compacts... Yea, I think they're on to something!
My laptop died on Saturday. [moment of silence, please.] ^#&#*!@$#(*#$&^%^!#%$!##%$%&%*#&^#%!!!!!!! Well, there ya go. I doubt the Amish swear a blue streak! I told my brother, when he got his new computer, it's not a matter of *if* your computer goes caput someday it's a matter of *when*. I am diligent about backing up everything but had run out of blank CDs. As I shared recently I have delved into digital scrapbooking and had several pages saved on my laptop. I was soooooooooo thrilled. Now they're in cyber heaven. My sensitive other half said, "well, it's nothing you cannot do over, right?" That's like torching one of the scrapbooks I've made [paper form] and saying "well, I can do it over."
It's only stuff. I know that in my head. [and compelling for my conversion] But I cannot help but feel the loss. Dammit, it took a long time to do those pages and learning something new is always rewarding. So, for now, I grouse and pout and stomp my feet and say things like I'm never touching another computer...I hate all scrapbooking...I'm never taking another photo...I hate everyone and everything...life sucks! heehee...having a childish temper tantrum once in a while [and in private] can be cathartic.
 Oh, what happened to my laptop? The screen just went black and never came back. So I called tech support and they said it's probably the mother board which means if they replace it I lose all data. It's under warranty so we'll see what happens. Mr. Sensitive said, "wow! you'll have a whole new computer!" Hmmm, if they cut off my leg and give me a "new one" do I then have a whole new leg??? I don't think so. But whatever. *&^%$%$#!#$$%!!
Going out of town for a week. See y'all when I return. June 18 Accepting the Cards We're DealtSometimes people shock me. Sometimes I hear something about someone and I find myself shaking my head and saying, "SERiously??". Ultimately, I find myself asking, "Do *I* act like that??". Or, "how can I learn from this!"
Wanna hear the story? Ok. There are two sisters, B & K, from a family of 12 siblings. They are number 10 (B) and 11 (K) in sibling order, the only other girls being numbers 1 and 2 ~ I think that lends to the behavior. So, K had three boys before B ever had children. Finally B was blessed with a boy. Two years later both sisters were pregnant at the same time. B had a girl, K had another boy. K was extremely upset that B had a girl and she had yet another boy. When I heard that back then, it infuriated me that someone could be so ungrateful for what they have! She now had 4 healthy boys yet could only mourn that she didn't have a girl. B was a bit tickled that she "got the girl" and it was then that I learned of the ongoing competition between the two sisters. Also pertinent to the tale are the sisters' age. B is now 45 and K is, at least, 42 or 43.
Last week B relayed that K is pregnant. B was so upset about it she had to call her husband's mother and vent. She broke down in tears relaying that K is now "trying for the girl" and how upset she [B] would be if K "got it." ????? Having children with disabilities always on my mind, I immediately asked if K was fond of Russian Roulette?? That was my first thought ~ you are 42 years old and want another child? You have 4 boys!! Why tempt the gods! At what cost to her other sons will she "go for the girl?" Do they become chopped liver when she arrives? If she has a boy do they then suffer the depression of the mother who so desperately wanted a girl?? Not to mention the expense of raising 5 kids on only one income ~ Princess K doesn't work.
But what really disturbed me was how B reacted. JJJ said it perfectly, in words I couldn't find: B is upset because she fears she lost. She had one up on K and now she is worried that she no longer will. WHAT?? Are you kidding me?? You [B] have everything you want!! Two healthy kids, mansion on the hill, husband who is a servant! You barely care for the 2 kids you have, let alone another one!
As I pondered her reaction and why I find it so ridiculous, I ask myself if I am content with my life. B is always thinking, "how does this affect ME?" Ouch... there was a time when I reacted the same way. There was a time when I felt a knife in my heart when family members announced that they were having a baby when I was in the throws of accepting I never would. I'm not proud of that behavior...perhaps B will come to realize that she is extremely blessed and not live in competition with her sister. Come to accept that life has given her an amazing set of cards to play ~ realize it! And relish that hand!!
Certainly as lesson for me ~ count my blessings and embrace them. For those things I want and will never obtain? Well, I guess, for me, I just cannot focus on them. My mom has always said, "there's always someone worse and there's always someone better." Good grief, how true! Laura is the greatest example of this, "c'est la vie", she says, and moves on! It is what it is. June 14 It's Getting OldWell, it's getting old now. I've been home full-time and not working for about 6 weeks and the honeymoon is over. At first, OMW, heaven! I had all the time I needed to get Whitley's book finished. No pressure...no wishing I could be home while I sat at some lame job. As you know, I was feeling a bit at loose ends after that major project. [Sidebar: Chels & KB gave me their scrapbooks while I was home and I realized how much my skills have grown since I started scrappin' in 2001.]
I can't say I'm *bored* being home as there are many areas of the house that can use a good going over. I'm finding myself lonely for adult company ~ hell, ANY company! If I had a friend who was home all the time to chum with, or if I had kids, I think that would be different. But my constitution is not made to be home alone day after day. I dug into the basement again and made some serious headway. That is our dumping ground for the house, containing stuff from when I first married until present. It's a matter of organizing the stuff and putting all like items together, etc. I need a large book case. I wish I could transform our dining room into a den. We *never* use the dining room ~ maybe once a year if we host Thanksgiving ~ and the wasted space kills me. I would like to put bookshelves along one wall, a desk for B's bills, paperwork, etc., and maybe a nice chair. Then all the books in the house could be stationed in one place. Yeah...dream on. When B built this house he had a formal dining room and living room done and come hell or high water, that *ain't* changing. Whatever. Collosal waste of space! The only person/living thing that ever goes into those rooms are Charlie [cat] and my to vacuum! That's one of the things I miss about being single; you do what you want with your living space. Period. Yeah, case closed. I just asked him. His response: laughter. Whatever. Like everything else I suggest for this house, "Put it in the basement." I'm moving my *bed* to the basement, too. Fool.
So, anyway, I did have 2 girls to babysit for 2 days this week. O M W !! What an education! Of course you cannot make a thorough assessment in just 2 days but I sure was awakened to the different personalities of children. And how they interact. They know things I never would have guessed. [talking about birthing, "PUSH! find your happy place!"] wtf?? where'd you learn that?? [playing with their Littlest Pet Shop dogs, one female, one male. Female to the male, "please talk to me. please show me you care. Don't you *care* about me??"] HUH??? I was flabbergasted! They are such little sponges! They had to pick that stuff up *somewhere*! And I know I think too much about the whole interaction and process it and laugh and think some more. It was wonderful to have children in the house. The creativity and imagination that can only come from a little one's head is facinating. My goodness they played together for a few hours with those little dogs!! And no TV!! hooray! I think back to those days and remember when I could do the same thing. Old age sucks...I'd be ready to quit in a matter of minutes. lol Thanks, JJJ, for trusting me with your precious princess!
JJJ had a great idea. We've volleyed the idea back and forth for some time ~ substitute teaching. I think I may give that a try in the fall. Scares the shit out of me, tho. For all the years I spent in a classroom, besides student teaching 20 years ago [good Lord, am I that old??] I haven't been in a typical classroom. [that's PC for "normal".] All my classrooms were special ed. I remember the student teachers we had in school....OMW, we ate them for lunch and spit them out! But I think I would sub in a elementary / middle school. High school kids scare the crap out of me...or I would swear at them and be banned from the building! Can you just picture it... some surly high school boy decides to test me and gets all "punk" on me. I come out with, "you better sit your ass down and shut the fuck up." Even tho I say it nice and quiet, I doubt it would go over very well!! lol My ideal job would be grade 5 and under. Especially the little ones. Kindergarten! Well, we'll see. JJJ, I may be coming your way for a pep talk! I did call one school and ask some questions. Found out they pay their subs $10.00 per hour. Isn't that just horrific?? Is it any wonder American kids' education is slightly better than a Third World country? geeeeeeez
I've been trying my hand at digital scrapbooking. It's kinda fun...but doesn't allow for hands-on with the bits and pieces of paper and whatnot. There are thousands of freebies online to download but it jams up the pc so I put them on discs. Then i have to pop in a disc to find anything to use with photos that are on discs...very time consuming. I'm so visual that I like to see everything I have rather than try to remember where it is. I'm not certain if I'll continue with the digiscrapping but it's fun exploring. The other drawback is that I can only do 8x8 pages since my printer is limited to 8.5x11 pages. Maybe Santa Clause will bring me a 12x12 printer! lol Here's a page done all digital. I'm still learning, remember. haha
Have a great day and don't forget to hug a Dad in your life!
peace,
T. June 05 June, already??Have I told you lately that I vacillate between LOVING being home and feeling horribly guilty for not working? Today, I'm *loving* it! [having a manic day, I guess. :) ] thank God for friends, truly! Patty McFatty [names are changed to protect identity] asked me if i could make her a crafty purse. [can't devulge too many details as it may be my new business venture] So, today I went in search of materials. Of course I couldn't find exactly what I wanted so, like any recipe, I'm gonna have to improvise. Should be fun.
After the lovely graduation party I was feeling a bit at loose ends...not sure what to do with my time, besides the necessary housework! yeah, i even cleaned the *toilet*!!! Blech! Now I have a new project. hope i can do it. i'm not so good with reading patterns/directions. my brain just does not picture it, i'm totally hands on. i think that's why i was never sucessful making clothes. Laura, remember the time i tried to make a pair of pants? I followed those bloody directions to the T and ended up with one leg bottom sewn to the other leg top.... what a mess! So, we'll see if this becomes a purse or another interesting experience. haha All the more reason to wish i lived closer to my mom. I know she would love to teach me and i am not at a place in my life where i would like to learn from her expertise. ::sigh::
So i was asking my loving husband about me being home...not having a job. I was sharing my insecurities about not being independent, since I've worked *forever* and had money coming in. I said, "what if you leave me? I'd be up shit creek!" He, graciously said, "don't worry, i'll give you 30 days notice." Gotta love an honest man! hahaha
I wanna work with the public, in some fashion. I'm thinking....
Have a great weekend!
From the party.... all 6 kids in one place! Heaven! [my computer is acting funny...we'll see if i can get the photos uploaded.]
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