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March 30 I wish I were FunnyToday, I would like to have a funny story to share. Something that I know would be read and cause someone to belly laugh.
Unfortunately, not. I learned this morning that Grandpa Moo passed away early this morning. I learned last night that my niece had a miscarriage. I didn't know this is how it is handled sometimes but when a fetus dies in utero [sp?] the doctors wait for the woman to "pass" the fetus. With pains similar to labor. I can't in my wildest imagination begin to understand what she must be going thru.
This is all part of life, I guess. All I know, I'm getting further and further away from the comfort that I usually get from my faith. I'm envious that those closest to Grandpa Moo didn't have to stand by helplessly as he deteriorated over months/years. He went from living alone to passing away in a matter of days. Why does Grandpa Smith have to endure such injustices?
As I put it in words, I find myself tearing up again. I'm angry. I'm really angry ~ just sick of it. March 26 You Don't Get Over It......you learn to live with it. My brother-in-law said that when we were talking about painful things in our lives. Simple words. I've blogged about them before. But they were a dramatic, V-8 smack in the head for me.
I felt those words again today. My adult niece was at my home for only 36 hours yet I found tears streaming when she left. I sent her a text, "I miss you already." And once again I was reminded of the hole in my heart where my children should be. Did you ever think you were born to do something? I think I was born to be a mother. Well, that ain't gonna happen. So when I get to "play" mom, even to an adult child, my heart swells, I feel full and all is well with the world.
 Okay, that's a little Disney-esque [hehe], but even tho she is going thru a rough patch and it was emotionally draining, I LOVED every minute. I know parenthood isn't easy, by any stretch, but when you don't have any of your own you ~at least ME ~ yearn for the opportunity. I'm so grateful for the time we got to spend together and that she trusted me with her dilemma. March 24 Music washes away from the soul......the dust of everyday life.
If I were a tattoo-gettin' kind of girl, *that* would be inked across my forearm. It's so true! Music, for as long as I can remember, has been an important part of my life. I thought everyone's parents listened to music in the car, in the house, whistled, could read music, went to concerts... recently my brothers and I reminisced about how we know all the words to those "Country Oldies" commercials that come on. I had a 2-octave electric "chord" organ when I was a kid ~ taught me songs like "Three Coins in a Fountain" and "Bicycle Built for Two". haha Oh, I would play and sing and play and sing! I went on to be in band and choir in high school and college. Auditioned for musicals while living in Boston and was chosen to be in agospel a capella group.
Today, I perform only for me ~ and those in my home who are stuck with me. :) But music remains a balm for my soul. I used to work with DeafBlind people and as much as it terrified me to imagine losing my sight, I'm not sure I could deal with being deaf either. Few things can cheer me like music. Can conjour sad feelings or memories like music. I can hear a song and remember where I was when it was popular [where I lived, stage of life]... I just love music. Some songs inspire different actions ~ cleaning, sleeping, driving, working in my studio, exercising....
So that brings me to my drive home today. I have a CD that I obtained about 6 months ago. I love to watch the "Gaither Homecoming Hour" and especially the late George Younce. [they have a lot of repeats!] So when I saw the Cathedrals on there and their CD for sale, I called. I haven't stopped listening to it since. One of my Lenten changes is to curb my road rage. So, today it's a bright, sunny, warm afternoon. I'm driving home with the windows down, my hair secured in a band and the music blaring. Weaving in and out of traffic on 670 and this song is playing: Cathedrals
Right now, this is one of my favorite songs. [they change frequently] [George Younce is the bass singer.] I've been listening to it, trying to decipher the parts~love love love 4-part harmony. Singing away in the car...
when this IDIOT pulls in front of me and hits the brakes!!!!!
"STUPID F******!! IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!", I holler at him! And I'm reminded again that my road rage needs help.
March 19 Gift #9 - DistanceThis is the distance from my hometown to my Grandparents' homes, growing up. 15 miles. That meant sharing birthday celebrations, Christmas, Thanksgiving dinner, and just-dropping-in-for-no-reason visits. My brother and his friend even rode their bicycles one time. :) Endless, priceless memories.
I had the gift of growing up close to my grandparents. I took it for granted as a child. I'm so very grateful as an adult!
We never think about it when we're kids...Before I get to rambling, thanks to my posse who reached out and burst that black cloud for me. I appreciate it!! Yes, the cloud has drifted a bit and I'm grateful. Why? Hell if I know, I'm just enjoying it.
Have you ever thought of a great blog topic in the most inoportune time? Like this morning while I'm taking a shower and my mind starts to wander, I thought, "what a great blog idea!" I don't know if I can remember but...
I went downstairs and fed my whining cat and put on some coffee to enjoy after my shower. I got a whiff of the coffee while still upstairs and it reminded me of being at my Gr & Gr Smith's house. When I would spend the night, I would wake up to the smell of coffee and toast wafting upstairs. Oh, what great memories. Then I thought of the bedroom I would sleep in [facing the barn] and then my mind wandered to the steps in the landing of Gr & Gr's upstairs. When you got to the top there were 3 steps going up to the left and 3 steps going up to the right. I remember as a kid, running up the 3, turning around and running down the three, up the other three, up and across to the other room. The wide-planked wood floors up there. That metal bed...a metal "armoire" cuz there was no closet in the front bedroom. Now, as an adult, I think, "oh my word!!!" They raised 6 kids in that house!! It had 3 bedrooms. They made a small little room downstairs into a bedroom for my father's only sister. The other 5 boys were upstairs. And they had one bathroom ~ downstairs. [We are so spoiled today!] But I never thought about it when I was a kid. We just loved to go to Grandma & Grandpa's.
Thinking back, I know my mom had issues with her in-laws. But it never kept us from seeing our grandparents. Looking back I can see how my mom must have wanted to scream when it came to some of the ideas/customs of my grandmother. At times she voiced her opinions. But it never changed my love for Grandma. And it didn't change my mother's devotion to caring for my grandparents and doing things for them.
Now I see how my sisters-in-law have serious issues with things my mom did [does] and I wonder, do my neices and nephews care? Do they love their grandparents despite the conflicts? Do they relish their time with their grandparents like I did mine? Do they try to ignore what is said in their homes cuz grandma and grandpa are like no others in their lives? hmmmm I wonder.
March 16 My Own CommercialYa know that commercial that says, "depression hurts"? I'm rewriting it. Depression sucks. Depression is a brick that lives in your chest. Clouds your judgement. Ties cement blocks to your ankles and then pushes you into a deep well and laughs as you try to tread water. Some days are harder than others. You don't tell people just how freakin' sick you are of treading water cuz the typical response is "what do you have to be depressed about??" or " come on! snap out of it!!" So you stuff it down cuz who the hell wants to be around someone like that!! And that is isolating. It's a freaking vicious circle.
Geeeeeeeez, I'd give my right arm to "snap out of it." I convince myself that if I just think of all my blessings, the black cloud will lift. "Come on, T", I say to myself, "let's be happy!!!" Oh, how I try. Put on some music and forget the world. If only it would last for more than a few minutes.
Maybe some day. Maybe some day I will say, "wow, it's been a long time since I've fought that black cloud." March 11 I Don't Get ItI never thought I was someone who stuffed my feelings. Until now. My father keeps everything inside. As he gets older some tidbits come out, shock me, and I realize how much he keeps inside. Now I have a bit of understanding. I saw my grandparents this past weekend. Today is Wednesday and I still struggle to put my feelings into words. As I told my mom, who wants to hear it anyway?, meaning all of us who know the situation all know it's sad, etc.
Have you ever experienced something and it immediately hits you, "I will never be the same. This will stay with me for the rest of my life."? That was my weekend. I went to the nursing home to see Gr Kime for the first time since being diagnosed with brain cancer. He has developed aphasia as a result, causing him much frustration. I was surprised to see how much his reading has been affected already. After a while we went for a stroll around the nursing home. We found Gr Smith in the lounge. He was having a "good" day and seemed to recognize me. When I gave him a hug he grasped my hand would not let go. He looked in my eyes with such a pleading look and tried to talk. I told him I would be back, since Gr Kime was waiting to continue to walk. He said hello to Gr Smith but was visibly upset by Gr Smith's condition. I choked back the tears as we proceeded to Grandma Smith's room to say Hi. It was all I could do not to run out of there! Grandma was playing cards and said hello to me but nothing else. I tried to engage her several times but to no avail. She just ignored me. Finally I said goodbye. Despite understanding the effects of dementia it is disconcerting to be ignored by your grandmother. So, we walked back to Gr Kime's room and chatted for a bit more. A very laborious, frustrating, emotional conversation. We talked about his cancer and how he just wants to go home, etc. Mind you, he could only think of 3/4's of the words he wanted to say. It was taxing, to say the least.
I left his room with the intention of going back to Grandpa Smith but after 4-5 steps I could no longer control the tears. They just burst out of me. I got to my car and just sobbed. Gosh it hurt so much! Seeing my Grandpa in stained sweat pants, wearing an adult diaper, without his upper teeth, his prosthetic eye missing....it was more than I could handle. I have never been good with old people. My strength is kids, even sick or with severe disabilities. The sight of my Grandpa, a big strong farmer, reduced to a broken body with no way to communicate... there are some things you wish you didn't have to witness. It sits like a weight on my chest.
More than anything, I feel guilty for not going back. I just couldn't do it. And I feel so badly for not.
Those are the feelings I can't get out. It's just stuck. I cried then, I cry now. It hits me out of the blue ~ the sights and smells of the nursing home ~ and the tears well up. I think I may have said goodbye to my grandparents this weekend. I don't know if I can go back there again. And that hurts the most. Causes the most guilt.
I prayed so hard for God to just take him. Please let the suffering end. I don't get it. And I know, without saying, my parents are feeling tortured by the sight of their parents' deterioration. Some things just don't make sense. March 10 R U KIDDING???????That's what I'm thinking as I watch Dr. Phil. I'm home today [obviously] and puttzing around the house so I turned on Dr. Phil to listen as I work. Everyone's got an opinion ~ mine: OUTRAGED! This woman has 8 babies at once. Her choice. Her decision. To add to her other 6 kids at home. Not an accident. Not a fluke. CHOICE!!! The general public is up in arms and reacting viciously at times.
Now Angles in Waiting is stepping in to provide "wrap around care" ~ 24/7 ~ for when these babies come home. Oh, and she has a new house for the babies to come home to. SHE GETS A NEW HOME AND 24/7 CARE!!!!!!!! WTF??? R U KIDDING ME? Oh, I'm sorry, it's all in the name of the babies. To provide the best care for the babies. To allow them "the best opportunity, safety, care", blah blah blah. That's all well and good, I'm all for children being the main focus of an adult's decision making process. But you DIDN'T THINK OF THAT BEFORE YOU HAD THEM??????? Now everyone is coming to your rescue? wow.
I know a lot of people dislike Dr. Phil...I think for the most part, he tries to bring to light a lot of issues that may help others. But for this one show ~ disgusted. This woman is getting her 15 minutes and all the support she can handle. Why are you televising this? What outrages me is the thought that she is being rewarded for such an preposterous decision. What about the woman who has 6 kids, no father involved, too small of a home, no money, but she has them one at a time? She is not deserving of Angels in Waiting? Without knowing actual statistics, I venture to bet there are so many out there that there aren't enough Angels to help them all. It's disgusting! What message is being sent by this woman and the sensational advantages provided to her? Everyone acts like it would be the worst thing in the world for the babies to be separated and placed in homes where they can be adequately cared for. geeeeeeeez. Whatever happened to common sense? 14 kids under the age of 8 years?? No mate? NO father? [shaking my head]
Seriously!So I had to get some cat food cuz my husband forgot to get it when he grocery shopped. No biggie. I stopped at the corner gas station. They didn't have his normal brand but they had some. Good. Didn't feel like going all the way to the grocery store. I had driven 2 hours in the pouring rain and another 45 minutes behind idiots. Just wanted the cat food and go home.
I grab it, head to the check out and 3 people are ahead of me. No problem. We're moving slowly. I am next...the woman in front of me is buying 4 or 5 Sunday papers. Whatever. Then the cashier starts READING the paper. No, not checking her out or ringing up the papers ~ READING the headlines. I had enough. I finally said, "you gotta be *kidding* me, right???" The lady buying the papers turned around a gave a look. The cashier just looked up and finally started ringing her up. Then I get up to pay. The conversation goes something like this:
cashier: "you really like your cat, huh?"
Whatever. I just said, "yes."
cashier: "so, how much are these?" [each can of food]
me: [looks at her like ????]
her: rings one up. "oh my! you really *do* like your cat, huh??"
me: [another look!!]
She just goes on and on and tells me how she loves her cat and has raised it since it was a baby...blah blah blah. I WANTED TO SCREAM! Whatever happened to just having a few smarts and ringing up the purchase and letting me get the hell out of there??? March 01 Gift #8 of 52MY CHARM BRACELETS
 My parents gave me my charm bracelet for my 16th Birthday. I've collected charms from places I've traveled ~ my husband even reminds me if I don't bring it up when we're on vacation. :) It's full of memories!! The silver bracelet is so full I've started a gold one. :) It is something I'm grateful for as it replenishes me and reminds me of times gone by. |
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