| Profilo di TereseRemember: Money talksFotoBlogElenchi |  Strumenti  Guida |
|
|
30 marzo How Do You Know?B and I were getting fuel at a gas station when a man came up to us and told us he lost his wallet, could we please provide him with some help. He said his wife and grandchildren were with him and they were on there way to Michigan. Before he could finish his appeal, an employee of the gas station told him he had to leave the property. As I watched him drive away in his dilapidated truck I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness/pity. I didn't even have my purse with me and all B had was his debit card. Everyone around us was sort of tsk-tsking about all the "crap" in the back of his truck and looking like he had "everything he owned back there". And making cracks about how he can go beg somewhere else. Am I the only person whose heart goes out to this man who is down on his luck? Or am I the only sucker who believes his tale of woe?
Because I love my husband and because he enjoys an occasional White Castle [Blech!] I went with him to this fine establishment one afternoon for a lazy lunch. In the restaurant was a couple sharing only *2* Castles and one cup of coffee. [White Castles are those mini hamburgers that the average man eats 4-6.] I told B what I observed. They were young-ish, certainly capable of eating more than that. When they left the restaurant they walked to the corner, shared a kiss and went separate ways on foot. That gnawing feeling of something not being right stayed with me.
It wasn't 2 or 3 days later that I saw this same gentleman standing on the corner of a major intersection with a cardboard sign asking for help. I gave him money. Am I the sucker giving away hard-earned money to a bum who "doesn't want to get a job?". I don't believe he doesn't *want* employment. Why would someone stand on a corner in the cold/rain/heat for hours on end if he was too lazy to get a job? Did he and his girlfriend/wife beg on separate corners and meet at the end of the day for a cheap meal? Or perhaps they are indeed swindlers who want others to support them. How do you know?
Situations like that always give me pause. Questions flood my mind: why was *I* born on the lucky side of the coin? Mrs. Bucket says it is only by error that she wasn't born into royalty.
 When I come across people in such dire situations, I think ~ "wow, it is only by chance that I was born into luxury." When I say luxury, I mean a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat, intact nuclear family, free education, and so on and so on. Soooo much. My mom used to always say, "there's always somebody worse and there's always somebody better." It took a long time for the reality of that statement to sink in. Now when it comes to giving money to beggars, I don't say who is wrong and who is right. If you're one of those who can blow them off and move on or if you're one of those who feels the need to give, there's no judgement here. My compulsion is often driven by Matt 25:40. How do you know???
26 marzo Don't Believe Everything You ReadReading Sniffer's blog this morning led me to a site about living gluten free. On that page was the title "Dealing with Depression" or something like that. Of course it grabbed my attention. [ ivillage.com ] The first article I clicked on talked about the ineffectiveness of antidepressants. That for those who are not "severely" depressed antidepressants work no better than a placebo. First I laughed. Then I thought ~ well, guess that puts me in the severe category. Whatever. A label is a label. Then I saw the word Disease. "Depression is a disease...". That's where I lost concentration on what I was reading and stopped comprehending. Hmmm, disease.
Websters defines disease as: a condition of the living animal or of one of its parts that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms. Yah, I guess so. So now I have a disease to add to my repertoire. Mental illness. Disease. Whatever. It is what it is.
I get a little pissy when I hear people quote what they read on the internet. Like all of a sudden the internet is the source of all truth. I am so appreciative of the statistics class I took in grad school cuz it taught me how to be skeptical of this or that "study." There are far too many variables in a study that affect the gathered data. Basically, given another group of people for the study and the outcome can be totally different. You have to know so much more about the people studied and what the study was measuring before you can say "oh i shouldn't take this medication cuz the net said a study showed it doesn't work." Bullfeathers! Kinda like cherry-picking the Bible.
I *did* read some suggestions that I think I need to pay more attention to: exercise, eat better, form a circle of support. None of which I want to do [smile]. I want friends to flock to *me*. I don't want to have to go in search of. That feels uncomfortable. I would, however, like to join a book club. A scrap group. A crochet clutch. :) But how do you find those things in your area? Hmmmm. gonna have to do some research.
24 marzo Will Work for ChildrenWith that sign in my front yard, how long before I'm the neighborhood pariah? Or maybe sent to the county jail? Well, I guess it's not a *crime* but certainly a red flag that someone deranged lives here! hahahahaha
For those of you who don't know, I love kids. All ages, all everything. They facinate me, entertain me and just altogether fill my soul. I had the privelege of spending the day with a friend's child on Friday. What a hoot! We even played Barbies! Reminded me of my childhood and watching my nieces play!
On the flip side is the bane of my existence ~ the never ending construction on our home. We had a hail storm in October 2006 [you read that right] and the interior damage is just now being fixed. Oh, Joy to the World! What a pain in the neck!!
So pretty.
22 marzo THANK YOU MR. ROGERS[everybody sing...
 ]It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor, Would you be mine? Could you be mine? It's a neighborly day in this beautywood, A neighborly day for a beauty, Would you be mine? Could you be mine? I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you, I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you. So let's make the most of this beautiful day, Since we're together, we might as well say, Would you be mine? Could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor? Won't you please,
Won't you please, Please won't you be my neighbor? Oh, 'tis a wonderful day! Cloudy, cold and dreary outside ~ sunny and sparkly inside! I get to spend the whole day scrappin'! Whooo hoooo! What a joy to be able to say the black clouds have lifted! Whew! Someone I know is dealing with a life changing medical issue. She reads many blogs by people who have the same diagnosis. One of the bloggers said she writes about her experiences because 'you never know who may be listening.' Now that is a generous soul. Although I do not share every tid bit, I can only hope that writing about my experience can lead someone in the same place to go get help. You do not have to feel that way! There is help! Remember that those horrible thoughts in your mind are *not* the truth! And for those of you who live with someone who battles depression, like my husband, my heart goes out to you as well. It cannot be any easier to see someone in such a state than it is to be in it. Thank you!! To those of you who have listened and lent your support, I cannot thank you enough. It's humbling as hell! Here's to a new day! And new ponderings! 20 marzo The Tapes We MakeYesterday I was IMing a friend and we were talking about how messages from our childhood seem to tattoo themselves to our soul. No matter how we fight, how much work we do to try to erase the messages, they continue to crop up in various situations. Regardless if we can *logically* dispute these messages there is a hint of them living within and being fed just long enough to grow. I'll never forget a minister saying "the dog you feed the most is the one that grows." [referring to our love for God vs Love for the world]. As long as I feed that tape in my head it remains loud and clear.
Today I've noticed that my tape is "you're not good enough. you're a loser unworthy of respect." I cannot say where it came from. I truly believe that sometimes children interpret things on their own and create their own tape. If we don't find out what that tape is, we cannot change it for a child. I'm working in an environment where those negative messages are reinforced every day. Nobody actually calls me a loser, mind you. The actions of them speak much louder. Without going into the details, my challenge is not to take their behavior personally. I see them being kind and considerate to each other. It's forced with me. Only if I'm in their faces do they acknowledge me. It's an observation...an honest observation. There could be various reasons for it, but I automatically go to "loser! You're a fat loser, T., that's why they act that way." Like I said in a previous blog, why don't I think, "wow, you people are idiots!" and try to muddle through until this assignment is over? Instead, I think "what is wrong with *me* that they act this way?" Perhaps when I'm old and gray and wearing purple (great poem) I will realize that I am worthy. I don't have to try to prove my education. I fear that I have come across as trying to be superior because I've been to college. Good grief, that is so not true. See, I went to college to try to overcome this feeling of inferiority. Not realizing self-worth comes from within, no matter the degrees behind my name. To those who have witnessed me saying something condescending, I sooooooo apologize! I am so sorry if I ever put my foot in my mouth by saying something stupid! Well, I know I have, so please know that I am very sorry. Just because someone has a piece of paper does not make him/her superior to anyone! I'll never know what my father knows about plumbing or woodworking. Or what my grandfather knows about farming. Or what my brother knows about hunting and propane, etc. Or what my mother knows about sewing. The list goes on and on. What a fool I can be sometimes. Taming Your Gremlin - a good book, easy read, to try to manage those tapes in our heads. 19 marzo For She Who is Being TriedFor She Who is Being Tried
What does she know who has not been tried?
The woman who has traveled lonely paths
knows how to find her way.
She who has weathered losses
gains compassion.
Tested, she multiplies her resourcefulness.
She who has not been tried,
what does she know?
She who has been surprised
abounds with vigilance.
Scarred, she finds her resilience.
Her illusions gone, she deepens.
O woman, you follow a spiral,
rounding and revisiting.
The furrow you plow
is your own life.
Reach deep within
the soil you've loosened -
draw forth its richness.
Be strengthened by the grace
of your experience.
-MJ Abel
if you can't be a good example...My maternal great-grandfather hanged (hung?) himself. His daughter lived with depression (my grandmother), his grandaughter lives with depression (my mother) and I am struggling to live with it. To spare the gory details, yesterday was rock bottom as I found myself in the doctor's office sobbing for no good reason. Like I told him, "I feel like someone close to me has died and I want to die, too." Not pretty. I knew it was a red flag. But reaching out is so hard. Good judgement is clouded by others' misinformed opinions of what depression is and how to treat it. Someone very close to me said recently, "Is there like a blood test to see if you have *it*?" Oh, how I wish it was so cut and dry! "Here you go, you've had the test and here's what you have to do for it." Like diabetes. Not easy but here's the treatment plan. Not so lucky with depression.
So now I have this new drug, Cymbalta. Yeah, just like the commercial. Side effects are special.
The most commonly observed side effects in Cymbalta-treated MDD patients are nausea, dry mouth, constipation, decreased appetite, fatigue, somnolence, and increased sweating.
Increased sweating?? Always the dream of a fat girl. Decreased appetite, now that one I'll gladly take. And I'm already experiencing the nausea. Blech! But it's a small price to pay to feel balanced. And I guess I 'll have to accept the feelings of being "tainted" if I want to reach out and get some support. Let people in on my "little secret." You can only fake it for so long and, for the most part, people who care about you will understand it's only one part of you ~ not all of you.
I read this quote today but forgot the author:
If you can't be a good example,
you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
[perhaps my new tattoo? lol]
18 marzo Thank God for Kids.... collectively a miracle.
When all else fails, looking at the faces of these three beauties makes me smile. The brightness in their eyes. The complete innocence. Matching dresses by Gramma Moo. They give me a sense of belonging. A sense of contribution. A sense of value.
As I've shared, I'm working on the youngest one's scrapbook. I could sit and linger over the photos throughout the years for hours. When they say 'a picture paints a thousand words' it is so true! Their mother and father have allowed me to play an intimate role in their lives and I am soooooooo grateful!
14 marzo Go For It!When does money stop controlling my life choices? I have nooooooo idea. For as long as I can remember the biggest choices in my life were directed by financial issues. There were certain things I didn't do in high school because I had a job. My college education was directed by the need to find an employable career. I never mentioned this to anyone or discussed any options because that's just how I thought life was supposed to be. I knew I had only one 'at bat' in this game so I better choose a major that would provide income when I graduated. I didn't have a family trust fund to live on... or a partner to support me.
Hmmm, education sounded good cuz I liked kids and I knew there would always be a need for teachers. When I ran out of money in my Junior year, Laura graciously opened her little tiny apartment to me after I got a job working with DeafBlind kids. That segued into finishing my degree. And then grad school. Was it what I loved? no. Was it my passion? no. It was a safe income. I never did what I wanted to do because that's just not how life was demonstrated to me. And I knew nothing different than having a job to pay the bills. Nobody around me searched out what they loved for a job. I thought you just took what you got. I met people in college who were "philosophy" majors or "English Lit" or equally "impractical" and I thought "what the hell ya gonna do with *that*????" Never thinking that some people were courageous to follow what they love. What interested them the most.
Now I'm 44 and still doing the same thing. I have never made a decision about a job based on what I want or don't want until I left DeafBlindness. It's still so foreign to me that I have terrific guilt about it! Today I'm facing *it* again: I hate this new job I have and am struggling with whether or not to move on. If I do what I *want* to do, I'm outta there! But the money is good. It's only 3 days per week. What if I don't get another job? What if it's a big mistake? Do I have the "right" to leave a job just cuz I don't like it when there are many people who would be grateful to have ANY job? Why can't you be grateful, Teresa? No job is perfect!! Who do you think you are to just leave cuz you don't like it? Blech! I hate that voice.
I admire people who chase a dream that may seem dubious to others. If I had it to do over again, I'd chase that dream all the way to the stage. Little did I know back when I was making my life choices that you could always supplement your income with a job while you pursued your career! Hell, more than 3/4 of the wait staff in NYC are wanna be actors. lol I applaud those who GO FOR IT! Cuz at the end of the day, whether you make the rent or not, you can say "I tried. I chased my dream!"
Stepping out on faith is exhilarating! Even in my own little way, I feel it. Leaving this dead-end job because it is stiffling is an act of faith ~ for me. Because I don't have another job lined up and I am relying on someone else to help me in the interim. Not easy for Miss Independent!
So Go For It!, all of you who are living it safe. Take a chance...have faith! You never know what's around the corner!
13 marzo Ahhhhhhhh. A great day so far!What an awesome day!!! "Grey skies are gonna break up! Put on a happy face...." Everybody sing!!
Up at 6 am to "Bob and Tom" and some funny song. Found clothes that look decent, hair cooperated, fed Charlie and out the door. Beautiful sunrise as I drove into downtown.
I'm loving my drive in with the music loud. Get to the parking lot ($8.00 per day ~ now *that* beats the heck out of Boston rates!) and begin my trek. I'm in a different building this morning but have to go back to the usual building later so I parked in my usual spot. Strapped on my laptop (have to carry it between buildings!) and my backpack purse, plug in the MP3 and off I go. It was brisk and sunny and windy and chilly and LOVELY! The buses were buzzing by and horns honking and lots of people walking to their buildings. Yum! Soak it up!! Dodging traffic as I cross the streets, sometimes it's just plain fun to cross against the light while everyone stands and waits for the "Walk" guy to flash! lol More Bostonese. Who waits for the "okay" to walk??? The skyscrapers all around ... and I'm reminded of why I love the city. [for those of you who *hate* it, I know who you are and I see you rolling your eyes. :) ]
I stopped to get a treat ~ toasted everything bagel with light cream cheese!!!! Ecstasy!! And a hazlenut coffee with cream. Yum! 20 minutes later I arrive at my building feeling exhillirated (sp) and ready to work!
***BAM***!!! Someone takes out a large needle and rams it into my balloon! Or tries to! geez these people spend way too much time in these cubicles! It is extremely right-brained. (or is it left?) The one that is completely cerebral, no fun, no sense of humor, no laugher, no music...just pounding on the keyboard and workin figures. BLECH!! I have to find ways to make it fun ~ even if in my own head, lol ~ or I'd go crazy! I don't know how people do it! Then there is the guy in the cubicle across the way who is hawking and gagging and coughing up a lung!!!! Now *that's* pretty!!! Oh well, it pays the rent. :) I keep trying to build my case to my husband to let me stay home. I could cook and clean and be a great housewife! LOL ok, I'd scrap, who am I trying to kid! But I'd be one happy scrapper! I'm still entertaining the thought of substitue teaching. Do you know they only make @ $10.00 per hour??? That is hideous! But then again I don't think they even have to be certified to do it, which is even *more* rediculous! Oh well, I think it would be a blast! Especially K - 6. Kinda like the fun Auntie who doesn't have to be the disciplining parent. Go in, have fun, do some work, go home. Let the "real" teacher be the bad guy! :) (JJJ, don't piss yourself, you know I wouldn't *totally* out of control! hahaha) Don't think I could do Jr or Sr High. They'd wanna be rebellious and then I'd accidentally swear at them and be fired! lol. "you better shut the hell up and sit your ass down NOW!" riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
Back to work. Whoo hoo! Better get my music out. Lord have mercy if I turn into one of these silent freaks!
Have a great day!
ps - going home this weekend. hooray!!! even tho i love the city, i love my family more!
11 marzo Memories of GoldI'm hungry. I'm tired. When I'm tired, the hunger level raises. Did I mention I'm hungry?
The black cloud is lifting. Thank you, God. Seriously, thank you for the medications you enable people to create cuz I'd be a sorry mess without them! It's an amazing feeling to realize the 100lb weight on your shoulders is feeling like only 50lb. Without sounding too dramatic, I really do feel a bit lighter....lighter in my thoughts. Wanting to do things besides lie in a pile and sing the "woe is me" song. !!! That gets damn old in a hurry!
I'm working on my niece's scrapbook again. She graduates in June. [don't get me started on the "I can't believe how time flies" song!!!! lol] I've been looking at pictures and trying to get them organized. Oh my word, I slip into another world as I go back in time! Seeing her and her sisters as little ones and reflecting on those days and where they are now! How they have grown into beautiful young women! I have my mom to thank for so many pictures to work from. My maternal Grandpa was an avid photographer. My mother is the same. I have always loved taking photos. I thought it was second nature for a mom to have a camera in her hands until I met my mother-in-law. She doesn't own a camera. They have no family pictures. There aren't boxes of old photos to peruse like my grandpa's and my mom's. ??? She laughs at me and my ever-present camera. I used to feel self-conscious but continued because I thought she would like the photos. I even bought her a camera. She lost it. hmmm
Woops, the chicken went by. Well, I cannot imagine having more love for anyone like I do for these girls. [they'll always be *girls* to me.] I always hated it when Kate would say, "you'll never know love until you have your own child." Gosh, I hated hearing that. I know love. I know what it means to want to protect someone fiercely. To feel the heartache when the child grows up and I am no longer the priority when I visit. :) That's life. I guess for those who have children and say, "you never *will* know love like you do for your own child", well, all I can say is I wouldn't trade what I have for anything. I'll never have anything to compare it to.... but when I look at the photos of the girls through the years my heart grows 3 sizes! Kinda like the Grinch in reverse. lol
The question is, how do I pare this shoebox full of photos down to a manageable amount to scrap?? See, my mom didn't take the greatest photos quality-wise but they speak volumes! I want them to be showcased to represent all the memories I hold and transfer them and the smiles to the page for a reference when the girls have their own loved ones. To say "when I was little, I would go to my Grandma's and ....".
Can these memories be captured on paper and in photos?? That's the challenge! Will the page say everything I am thinking as I work on it?
08 marzo Winter in Central OhioNeed I say more? This is just round one of shoveling today. 8" and still falling. It's been a long time since we've seen snow like this. Reminds me of when I was a kid. Ohio = lots of snow back then. Now that I'm getting older (middle-aged I suppose) I wanna winter in Florida like my Grandparents did! lol
07 marzo I wish I were like *you* !Gotta add one more entry.
Someone actually reads this dribble I publish. :) And the following comment was left for me. It stopped me in my tracks.
why havent you ever told me that im exactly like you....jeeshe....i love you [identity protected ~ or tried to.] I read it. A lump raised in my throat. I read it again. I had no idea. Tears welled in my eyes. I read it again. The tears spilled over and I found myself thinking a thousand thoughts simultaneously.
"but you're not like *me*! you're a young talented beautiful person. you're so funny and creative ~ beyond anything I could hope for myself. You're wise beyond your years and so courageous! You're chasing a dream, a gift you've been given. You have strong convictions and stick by them. You're a precious precious gem!" It's not just cuz I love you so much but I really believe that if the right people discover your talents you will be extremely successful in a tough profession to break into.
Then I said, why am I crying? And it ocurred to me that in the back of my mind I was thinking....Because I don't want you to be like me....I don't want you to experience the pain that I have cuz I didn't realize when I was young that I was a precious precious gem. I don't want you to go thru life with the horrible burden of self-loathing. Because it's hard to undo. I don't want you to spend your energy fighting demons that reside within you rather than your creative talents.
Then I laughed cuz I thought, geez nothin' like taking it to the extreme! it's not an all or nothing statement! lol Maybe there are parts of you like me. And there are ways that I want you to be like me. :) I want you to be a strong independent thinker. Be compassionate to those around you. Never lose the child within you that likes to be silly. Or ponders the whats and whys and hows of the world. Spread your wings and be who *you* wanna be for as long as you want cuz marriage and family will come in time. Try different things. Go to new places ~ a little fear is healthy. :) Always keep a song in your head and God in your heart. I want you to know that you are loved unconditionally. No matter what you do in life you will always have a soft place to fall, here with me.
I guess those are things I would say to all the kids/young people who have crossed my path.
To my precious beautiful nieces and nephews.... you just can't shock me. You'll never do anything in your life that will make my love fade. I may speak my mind and tell you you're nuts!! lol But never stop loving and caring and wishing the best for you! I love you so much for all the great blessings you are to me!
there goes the chicken...If my title makes no sense, there is a t-shirt I should wear:
 The essence of today's post.that's kinda what it's like to live in my brain. :) have I been formally "diagnosed?" No. Do I think I have a mild case? Without question. Is it manageable? Yes. I don't have to take any medication but I don't make light of it. Some people suffer horribly. I happen to find it facinating when something happens and I say "wow. there it is." Some of my observations are: cleaning the house ~ good grief. If someone watched me they would laugh, only after shaking his/her head in wonder. I will start out with great intentions. And work rather methodically until I come across something that goes in another room. Well, if I take it to the place it belongs I ultimately start doing something in that room. Until I find something that I'd like to have in a different room or perhaps, God forbid, I run across something I haven't seen in a while like my wedding photos. Well, then I *have* to sit down and look at them! Or maybe a book I forgot about and start perusing it. Or a great song comes on and I have to pretend I'm on stage performing! [lol~ but true!] Never quite make it back to room A and finish what I started. Or, on a good day, I do. There are days when I literally have to *force* myself to pay attention to one space and stop myself from getting distracted because I know the job has to be done. Maybe that's why I like small spaces? My bedroom has always been my favorite room. To this day I am most at peace in my bedroom. And now my killer-awesome studio! My favorite home of all was the apartment I had in Grandview. When my Dad learned I was leaving a 2 BR 2 full bath apartment to live in a tiny 100-yr-old apartment for more money he just shook his head. The bathroom was so small you could literally sit on the toilet, wash your hands in the sink and shave your legs in the tub without moving. hahahaha But I loved its coziness!
See, case in point. I went off on a tangent. Anyway, shoveling snow this winter has been Exhibit A for the prosecution. I cannot shovel back and forth back and forth until the driveway is finished. I like to have my music playing and I find myself going down one side, top to bottom, then maybe back and forth across the drive for a while then it's maybe 1/2 way across and then back to up and down. I get so darned bored doing it the same. Yet I enjoy doing the laundry. It's very clear cut: one load in, one load out. Dryer, hang up. Fold. hmmmm
I have found that I enjoy tasks where my mind can wander. Like being an administrative assistant. People often ask why I left the field of DeafBlindness. It's true I was burned out but I thought I would go back. Now I find that doing admin work isn't as stressful. I am given work that is measureable, meaning here is the task and I know when it is finished. With DBness, the work was never done and there were few measureable results. I could not give one of the kids I worked with a task and have it completed in X amount of time. It would take months and sometimes years to see a child progress in language skills, for example. To see the fruits of my labor. I like being given work to do and doing it and having it finished when I go home. And scrapbooking. Gosh I love to go back in time looking at the photographs as I make a page.
Anyway...
today someone repeated the exact words I said when a friend told me about her blog and gave me the address. The first few [like 15!] times I read it I felt I was invading her privacy. Her journal had been left out and I was snooping. When I first started blogging, I had no intention of sharing it with anyone. All of the journals I had kept throughout my life [my earliest memory is writing about my new Chrissy doll in the 4th grade :) ] were violated by someone reading it. They were dark and filled with raw emotions. I destroyed them in fear that I would die and someone would know how I really felt. [why that concerned me is another show, Oprah.] Then as I began blogging I gave the address to one person....holding my breath....then another. Always with the plea not to share it with anyone else. Now I realize I am giving the address to those that I wish I could spend more time with. People in my life that are really important to me and I can trust. [unfortunately, there are some people I love that I cannot trust with my thoughts.] I would love to live in close proximity to these people. For example, I can only imagine living close enough that I could drop in and say "hey, wanna catch a movie?" Or "come on over for dinner, I made too much." [it *is* hard to cook for just 2 people.] Granted, I'm certain they would get a bit sick of me if I broached these topics that I blog about every time we were together! LOL But blogging has given me an outlet and yet knowing that maybe someone else will read it keeps it above the line. I don't go to that dark place and explore feelings that only depress me. I want to make an effort to share funny thoughts, too.
It's cathartic for me. Someone who has always lived so ultra-private. It's a risk putting my thoughts in writing. But don't get excited, there are *some* secrets that will go to my grave with me! lol I may have a hard time staying on task but I'm not stupid....yet! :)
gotta laugh!Just noticed this is my horoscope for today. I read them every once in a while. I find astrology amusing when it hits close to home. I don't take it seriously or plan my life by it..but had to chuckle at this one.
 Taurus
April 20 - May 20 Just for today, you should try and ignore your habit of always trying to find an explanation for everything, dear Taurus. Something is changing inside you, and in the way you react to situations, and the desire to incorporate the more unpredictable aspects of life into your personality is the basis for these changes. A lot of your theories are only there to reassure you dear Taurus. But you probably already know that. Why don't you just try being honest with yourself? A knot at the end of the ropePhilippians 4:6-8 (NIV)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers [and sisters], whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. My favorite scripture. I used to have a quiet time every day where I would read scripture and pray. [I miss the days when God was more of a focus in my life. But that's another story....] This has always been a favorite of mine. One that I go back to when I feel especially at my wits end. When I'm dumb enough to try to navigate this world on my own and fail miserably, I inevitabley return to this scripture for some balance. The key words for me are "with thanksgiving." (A thankful heart goes a long way in this world.) These simple words are so easy to say and yet challenging to put into practice. This week has been especially challenging for me. I finally had to admit that I have been circling the proverbial black hole and was rapidly descending to the bottom. Depression is ugly. Dark, isolating and scary. It feeds me lies and alters my view of people and myself. I was crying all the time and had even entertained the thought of why people cut themselves. I knew better. I had the wherewithall to know something was wrong. But I understand it. I understand the desire to to mask emotional pain with physical pain. My bottom came when I had my wallet stolen at a local store and reacted as though someone had died. Completely inconsolable. So, off to the Doctor. I had to do something. Another challenge. And until some magic happens I try to hold onto my favorite scripture. Maybe I could get a tatoo? :) I want peace of mind. I want to be rid of anxiety. I want my heart guarded so I do not believe the horrible lies that depressions feeds me. And if I could ever be so righteous to think about what is right, pure, lovely, admirable....well, now that would just take a miracle! :) For now I will focus on being thankful. * I have a husband who loves me unconditionally
* a roof over my head
* a car
* family who are precious to me
* friends who care deeply about me and vice versa
* a job
guess I could go on and on. Bottom line is, I am thankful for so many things. I sure hope the black cloud lifts soon.
04 marzo Power of wordsAn ex-boyfriend always told me I was too philosophical. I spent way too much time thinking. I laughed. Dear friends have told me the same. I shrug. Sometimes when I find myself way deep inside me I hear their voices. Sometimes it's an accusation. Sometimes it's a joking observation. Sometimes I care. Sometimes I don't. But it is what it is. I am who I am. Do I need to change?
Words are very powerful. What we think is said in jest or just a flippant remark can stain a psyche and live with others forever. (or we find a therapist and try like hell to get those stains removed! ha) The stain that will forever color who I am is "you're so moody. why do you think so much?". Who would I be now if I had been given the tools early on to deal with the raging emotions that plagued me? If I had been given the message that it was ok to be different? If "fat" were not synonymous with "ugly"? If I knew I was a great kid despite it all? Would I now think I was a great woman? Would I see that my ponderings can be a gift? Maybe I would have channeled my feelings into a career of theatre...or music....or writing. Maybe I wouldn't always wonder if I'm good enough.
Instead, like an old house whose walls have been painted over and over and over, the effects of those words are deep. The layers are thick and permanent. I've scraped off a few...I've sought out help to rise above the threashold of suicide. [guess that sounds pretty harsh, huh??] I don't pass off responsibility to someone else. I'm certainly not a victim ~ nobody ever intentionally tried to break me. I just ponder if it would have been different. Cuz I can't imagine scraping all these layers of paint off.
It's a shame we can't impress on young people that the majority isn't always right. It's not *wrong* to be different! Different does not equal loser! Just because someone says something about you doesn't make it true. If someone told me I had orange hair I would raise my eyebrows and say "whatever." If someone is rude to me I wonder what it is about me that makes them not like me. Why isn't it about them ~ just like the orange hair? Hmmmm....if you had it to do over, what would you change? Is it too late to change now? Hmmmm, guess I think too much.
|
LOL!
|
|
