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29 febbraio The beauty of harmonySomeday I'll learn all about embedding music, etc. Until then, if you adore pure harmony, take a gander at this gem.
Generation....Old!I suppose in the back of my mind I knew that someday I would find myself parroting what I had heard from the "adults" in my world. "When I was a kid....I remember when...." And sure enough through the years I have found myself remembering when and recalling how life has changed through the years. Yesterday the generation gap smacked me right between the eyes. I felt it so profoundly. I will remember the scenerio forever. And that in itself is puzzling. I have nieces and nephews who remind me frequently that I am no longer the resource for what is cool. And I laugh and we carry on. But this was in the work place. Why did it slay me so??? It was such a poignant moment...
I have been working very closely with a guy on a time intensive project. We have little opportunity to converse about anything other than the work we're trying to complete. We had a team meeting where one of the topics raised was the difficulty that exists between generation X and generation Y. And especially difficult is the teaming of the Baby Boomers and Gen Y. [sidebar: this assigment is so laden with acronyms and people I don't know that it took me a while to realize that they were talking about Gen X and not Jenn X!!! rotflmao] After the meeting I learned that J (coworker) is 24 years old and he was a bit surprised that there was such disparity between the generations. blah blah It struck me then that I am 20 years older than him! Technically could be his mother!! Ouch...that's a weird feeling. After I earned my Master's I was blessed with a consulting position and found myself to be the young one at the table. Every meeting I was the young one, fighting for respect. It is now a bit unsettling to be so much older than some of my coworkers.
So yesterday we were wrapping up for the week and we somehow got on the subject of computers and college. OMW!!! Just bring on the cane and the crocheted shawl cuz I felt ancient! Here I was trying to describe being in college without a computer. Research meant the library....having coins so you could copy any articles you might want to take with you for later reference. Using a typewriter for papers and praying you had enough correction tape! The agony of having to start a page *over* if you made too many mistakes or forgot a paragraph! The look on his face was priceless. I may as well have been describing how to crank up the car before driving. It was a defining moment in my life. Here we are working on the same project and yet having such different life experiences! I wish I were an eloquent writer.... I wish I could put into words how much that little 10 minute conversation has changed my perspective. I've crossed over. I'm officially on the other side of the gap.
My age is defined by...
* growing up with a "party line" - more than one house on the block using the same telephone line
* going to the gas station after pooling money with friends to get $2.oo worth for the night
* buying a postage stamp for 5 cents
* making less than $4 per hour at my first job
* the victory felt when Betty [Clair] would ask me to babysit cuz she paid $1.00 per hour!!
* being sure to have enough "typing" paper before commencing to write a paper in college
* white-out, correction tape, bibliographies with no quick reference on the internet
* the 110 camera with the flashbulb that went on the top and you flipped it over when 4 flashes had been used
* "little" records for $.99 each. Had to have the little plastic adaptor for the middle to play it on the big stereo
* taping a penny on the needle of the record player so it wouldn't skip
* ringing up individual prices that were stamped on a product ~ there were no scanners!
* making change at the register cuz the machine didn't do it for you
* there really was "Penny Candy" ~ actually could buy a few pieces of candy for a nickle
* recalling the family's first color tv
* we got *all* the channels available: all 4 of them, 5 if lucky
* to change the channel you got up and turned the dial on the tv
* being patient while the tv warmed up
* only 1 tv in the house was normal
* 8-track tapes giving way to cassette tapes to CD's
* a "Walkman" was such a luzury! Listening to music no matter where you were. Now you can bring 1,000s of songs with you!
the list goes on and on. Maybe I'll return to update this as I remember things. Someday M will read this and say "huh??? Really?????" And I will laugh and think of all I've witnessed in my very short life. Never thinking it would *happen to me!* Never thinking that someday aquaintences and colleagues would look at me and say "wow, I can't imagine." ouch
27 febbraio At a LossI'm sure there are many a song about being at a loss for words. I'm usually okay at finding *something* to say despite the situation. But not this time. Someone in my family recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She and her husband found out one week later that the baby has Down Syndrome. [I don't know if anyone reads this blog but I would like to add a disclaimer that these are spontaneous thoughts. Not meant to be a comprehensive edition of what Terese believes. And certainly not meant to make light of anyone's situation.] I hesistate to put a name to the disability. No way do I want to attach my opinions to all children with DS or any other challenge. Can you tell I'm hypersensitive to this topic? Yeah, wicked. Cuz I spent many years working with children with severe disabilities and earning 2 degrees in this area, a Master's in DeafBlindness. There are two perspectives within me; that of a "professional" and that of a mother. No, I don't have children myself but I learned a lot from working with the parents of my students.
Ok, hopefully you get that excessive plea for understanding when you read this. (whomever you are. lol) Why do I have to explain? I don't know...don't want hate mail, I guess. lol
So when my mother told me about the baby my heart sank. Cuz I know what is down the road for the parents. I know about the chronic grieving. I know about "team meetings" and IEP's and PT, OT, speech therapy and "you should do this at home." And how this affects the siblings of a special needs child. And the guilt. The stares in public. The overcompensating friends who try to make it all okay. The strain and statistics of divorce within a family of a special needs child. The possible difficulty in bonding with a child when you're mourning what *should* have been. ::sigh::
There will also be incredible love, I'm sure. Support from all around. Support that can often be smothering, condescending and get on your damn last nerve. I pray they will grow from this experience. I pray it will not take long for them to come around to the knowledge that Kendal is a gift, a blessing. But that usually takes a long long time. And as they go down this road silent support is all I can offer. There are no words that will encourage, make it better.
I remember years and years ago friends becoming parents for the 5th time. Each child was born with an extra toe that was removed shortly after birth. They were so upset, feeling like failures. I remember thinking, geez, is that *all* that's wrong? Thank God I didn't say that. I let them express their pain and work through it. I've come to realize there can be no measure of suffering. No comparing. It truly is all relative. If that's the worst that has ever happened to YOU then it is the worst. Maybe something worse has happened to someone else but age has taught me that one can not truly *truly* empathize until one has experienced the same thing. So I don't wanna say "it will be ok." "I know what you're going through." "She's a blessing." "God must have known you can handle it." No, I will wrestle with the crappy feeling of wishing I could make it better and the horrible ache of knowing I cannot.
26 febbraio RANTINGS!Can ya say *PISSY*? PISSY!!!! That's me today. Hence the black font.
Alarm goes off way too early [i hate mornings!], cat freakin' *vomits* for the millionth time (do they make a cat that doesn't vomit? can he have his vomit muscles removed?), husband "doesn't have time to deal with *that!*" (whatever), have to drive the freeways in the rain and anyone who lives in Columbus knows that inclement weather means DRIVER BEWARE! YOU MAY CRASH AND DIE IF YOU GO OVER 40 MPH! So, that means RacecarRicks like me find ourselves cursing the weather, cursing the idiots on the road....pretty much just cursing.
Arrive downtown (finally) and have to find a parking place that won't cost more than my daily wages, meanwhile wracking my brain to remember which street is one-way, which leads to where I have to be....ok, find one. And the parking attendant is actually kind and conversational. Thank you, dear man.
Get to my building. Oh, did I mention it is a different building than the one I've been going to everyday for 2 weeks?? Oh yes. That was the fun of finding Mystery Parking. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. At the building...have to walk by a beautifully scented bagel shop. Got to the escalator before I was turned around and led to the haven of comfort. I stood before the counter....breathing the scents, gazing at the various bagels....cream cheese on everything bagel? maybe not - bad breath. Oooooooooooo, asiago! Maybe an egg and cheese on everything! oooey, gooey.... Much to my surprise I walked away. Actually, had to drag myself away. I mean, took myself by the elbow and DRAGGED myself away. I should be delighting in the victory. A part of me is. A bigger part is the child stomping her foot and saying "why can't *I* eat everything *I* want like so many other people??????" See, I judge my insides based on their outsides. To me, based on their looks, every normal/slim woman can eat everything she wants, right? They don't struggle. They don't deny themselves the glorious endulgence of carb overload. ::reality check. long sigh:: Cuz I know that isn't true. I know thin women who have to monitor what they eat. Who don't eat enough for 2 defensive linebackers! Sometimes I get caught up in the pity party that it is only me. *I'm* the only one who can't have the egg/cheese/bagel in the morning after I've had my WW (not on WW technically but that's my way to say "new lifestyle sensible eating) breakfast! Then skip my midmorning snack I had planned. But eat lunch cuz I might get hungry later. So gotta eat when it's served (catered lunch today). And so the saga goes. The self-talk begins.... "grow up, T. You're not the only one who has been sucked into the dichotomy of society: look at all this rich wonderful food!!! Let's have a catered event and have this scrumptious menu! You really need to be healthy. Eat only this and this and this. You are bombarded with wonderful food in commercials, at the workplace, friends, but don't eat it. YOU are limited to thislittlebit.
"A dream is just a wish your heart makes
when you're fast asleep...." (love ya Cinderella!)
I have dreams where I'm thin. Where I can wear lovely heels and not look like a linebacker.
shit, there went the ADD. I was lamenting on my morning. So I get to my assigned cubby. Can't get online to check email. Can't get into voicemail. Nobody can tell me how to set up my voicemail, cuz I'm new. Oh, she says, go online and there are tutorials. :deep breath: Don't make me spit at you, really. It's so unlady like.
And so it goes. Off to another day of racking my brain to follow the FAS securities, diversified real estate, phase II held in assets of seperate accounts with the GSAM, FERS with the XPRL and the accrued premiums....see it's English, I just know it. It's so freaking cerebral! And on top of that, I have to try to be an asset to the team. They are getting frustrated with my lack of knowledge and constant questions. Argh.... I just wanna be a secretary, for heaven's sake!!!! LOL On top of *that* it takes me 45 minutes to FIND the crap I need to START work!!! Crazy. Just crazy. Not feeling it. Really don't wanna learn quite so much for this temporary assignment. My brain hurts and it's only 9:31 am. :sigh: There's gotta be a better way to pay for my hair color! [giggle]
here we go..........
24 febbraio If only...Dear Aadab,
[I cannot leave comments at your place cuz I'm not a subscriber. Argh... So, I'm hoping you will come to my house and read this. ]
I have so many wishes for you. I wish I could wrap my arms around you, cry, rock back and forth and offer you comfort in this challenging time. I wish I could offer you a free "Pass GO", collect $200 and have 24 hours to do as you wish. And feel how you wish.
It hurts to hear the ache in your words. Life sure isn't fair ~ you're such a giving person (don't get excited, I know you're a bitch at heart!) with a heart of gold ~ you don't deserve this. But there aren't words that make it better.
As much as I would like to, I can't imagine what you're going thru. The only thing I can liken it to is someone with a substance abuse who gets clean. She knows it takes a lifelong change to remain sober. Not one drop of the substance. Getting clean and sober isn't the hardest part....sometimes it is sustaining it. You have to change your life and you didn't ask for it. Can't you return this request from God? "No, thank you, Lord, I would like a trade." There just aren't many choices in this situation and that plain sucks.
I'm sorry, my friend. If only I could take the crap away for a while. Give you a rest. If only I could be a good witch (we both know what kind *I* am) and twitch my nose and **POOF** it's all gone. If only I had a magic pill.
Know that I send prayers your way every day. And will always listen. I hope you know you are never alone. Of all things I wish for you, I wish you peace.
tt Power of musicMusic has always held a place of honor in my life. As with laughter, it washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. Music can transport me to grand places, comfort me when I'm hurting, encourage me, empower me, give me hope, comfirm my faith, and sometimes just make me LOL. I love all types of music [ok, not rap] and thank God for those talented enough to write it and those brave enough to perform it.
when I stumbled upon this video [who knew these things were out there!] I went back 30 years and laughed out loud! Diggin' those costumes!
My GirlDo I have to be broken and battered to make you understand? Can you not infer anything?? Finally, when all defenses are stripped away and I'm standing before you emotionally naked, you say, "oh. you never said that to me before." [how i feel] What? ARE YOU STUPID????? Cuz you hold a full time job. You pay all the bills. You do our [complicated] taxes by yourself. Hmmm, I don't think you're stupid. Were you born without the section of your brain that provides LOGIC????? I could go on and on....suffice it to say every time this happens a little more is chipped away from me.
Why do I have to fight for my girl? Why is this situation so crystal clear to everyone who knows of it except you?? Why is a delightful 8-yr-old such a f*$#$@*&! burden to you? Of course she has her moments when I want to shintf. But she fills me up. Don't you get that? Can you set aside your selfishness every other weekend? So, in turn, I question myself. Am I too selfish? Is this rediculous on my part to want to nurture a child who has no parents, per se? Do I really have to get to the point where I have to verbally admit that I have a need to play mommy? That she is nurtured only half as much as I am when we're together? Do I have to reach a point of feeling psycho for you to relent???
I've run out of ways to help you get it. Defeated. So I'll continue in my way to fight the battles that allow she and I to be together. To know that when she whispers "I can't tell my gamma this...." and bestows upon me the gift of trust, I am doing the right thing. When she climbs into my lap with her blankie and says "mama" and giggles and I pull her to me tightly, I know we are both filling each others' needs.
The tragic irony is that you're missing out on this. You're brainwashed by your mother to believe "blood" is all that matters. "She isn't even blood!", your mother says. And you've come to adopt the same sentiment. Whatever. I have news for you......some of my friends have done more to encourage and comfort me than most of my *blood.* To me, family is not only those that share a bloodline. It never has been. My girl is the closest I will come to having a child. She is a gift from God and I will fiercely protect our bond. I will give to her until it hurts, knowing one day she'll no longer need me. I only wish you'd understand and come aboard for the greatest experience of our lives. She needs you. I only wish I could find words to convey that to you.
Until then, I will delight in the ways of her innocence. And her humor...her sarcasm (love that!), her discovery of life (What's puberty? argh), her tears and just overall being. Watching her grow [i've known her for 5 years] has been a blessing! It's truly amazing to see her vocabulary grow ~ of course she is way brighter than her peers, lol ~ and witnessing the changes she illicits in me is fabulous!
My LOL moment from yesterday...
t: do you want a pillow?
m: yes
t: here's a blanket you can use.
m: a *fake* pillow?
t: yeah, a fake pillow.
m: [deadpan sarcasm] nice.
When did you get like that?? LOL I love you, little one.
22 febbraio Friendship & LIfeA dear friend said "will you send me the link to your blog?" I thought "ooooooooooooo". Who would want to read this? Who would
be interested in my ramblings? Will I be exposed as intellectually mediocre? I'm reading a fabulous book and a statement that jumped
off the page is something like "if you spend your life worrying about what everyone else thinks about you you will never find yourself.
Figure out who *you* are."
Elementary, huh? Something you think you should learn before you're my age. So I will jump off the cliff and give it to her. :) Not a
big deal to some but for me another exercise in letting someone just a bit closer.
Gosh I miss having a BFF. When K decided that she knew my husband better than I our friendship ended. 20 years of friendship.
Sharing secrets, tears, hillarious moments that only she knows. Building one memory upon another. Now those memories are mine alone.
I miss that friendship terribly. Is there anything more refreshing than getting together with a girlfriend and laughing, sharing stories,
reflecting on those times "when we were young" ~ things we'd never do again but so glad we were once carefree enough to get away
with it? Sharing the pain that we think only an 18-yr-old can know. :)
Life goes on and all we have are memories. If you're really blessed you get to take along a friend for the ride. For the long haul. It's
hard to make those kinds of friends when you get older. People are busy with their lives, families, work. There isn't time to make
those memories that cement a friendship. Friendship is a blessing...a gift. Something I no longer take so for granted. Chereish those
gifts. 20 febbraio HmmmphStupid computers anyway. Just when you think you got it....foiled again!
#$@!#*(&#! In the beginning...."In the beginning, we were willing to lay aside who we had been..." [quote the artist and I'm forever impressed] I've kept a journal/diary for most of my life. This is a new venture. I'm old enough to remember when computers were becoming the rage. Never thinking I would take my thoughts to one, giving up the pen and paper. My journals have always been a the vehicle for which I attempt to process the angst in my life. The entries are neither joyful nor attractive enough to want to revisit. I'm thinking that this process of writing will create a boundary for my thoughts as others may read it. I love photos. I love to take photos, peruse others' photos, linger on a particularly old photo, lost in the thoughts of what those people may have been thinking when they were posing. So it is with glee that I am able to add photos to this, my own, website. We'll see. It's a new adventure here. One I'm embarking on with secret excitement. It has been a long time since I've adopted a new hobby, learned a new craft. Perhaps I'll come to enjoy this little corner of the world. |
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