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22 novembre I Wanna... ...have a cookie swap. Invite friends and have wonderful holiday music playing while we munch on cookies and salty treats, drinking punch with icecream floating on the top. Or lattes made in my coffee machine. :) ...learn more about photography and how my camera works. f/stop and ISO, depth of field ~ all scare and intimidate me. ...give homemade gifts to my friends this year. Find fun yarns and patterns and delight in my friends' faces as they open gifts that I have made with love. :) ...figure out why I'm so needy. Why do I get so disappointed when I think my family doesn't care? If I could solve that...damn. Again, I wanna be an "It is what it is" kinda gal. Well, that's my fantasy anyway. Some I can do. Some....hmmmppff.  21 novembre Thanks! Gift #24 Thank goodness for other people. I'm so glad you have blogs, Deb & Laura! I enjoy reading your thoughts and find myself thinking twice about my own attitude after hearing your words. btw, Deb, the little table decorations are yours for the borrowing! Too bad we're not closer. I don't think I'll be up that way until Christmas. I found the little vases/place card holders downstairs in my stash. Lord knows where I got them ~ of course a terrific opportunity to tell Bob "told you so" for my belief in not getting rid of things "just in case"!! I have like 24 of them! So I got some silk flowers, etc, and then instead of making name cards I just used different stickers and put them on scrap paper. :) Now to figure out how to store them 'til next year! Well, on to my life at the moment. I'm pissy as hell. That's all there is to it. The pissy patrol has arrested me and is holding me captive. I am having neck surgery, Anterior Cervical Corpectomy and Fusion (ACCF), to be exact. I found a web site that shows a video of the surgery. No, I couldn't watch it. haha Ok...back up. Now the tears are forming. I guess if I'm honest, I'm just frightened. I try to hide it behind being pissy. Grumpy feels better than fear, for whatever reason, right now. December 4th is D-day. Click here for an animation of the surgery if you're interested. God works in mysterious ways. I was taken to this job in a cardiothoracic surgeon's office and wouldn't you know, one of the surgeons had the same ACCF surgery this past summer. I'm going to the same surgeon he went to so I know I'm in good hands. One of the girls in the office said, 'maybe that's why you're here.' Think I didn't think of that??? So, I'm having a bit of a pity party for myself. Like a friend said about having to bend over and take it ~ I just gotta suck it up and take it. I cannot stand the pain anymore so it's time to get it over with. I'm just wondering about 3 months of a neck brace. As a faithful stomach/side sleeper, 3 months in my husband's nasty recliner sounds like a prison sentence!!! Maybe I can find enough pillows to be able to at least sleep in my own bed. ??? No driving for 3 months [can you imagine navigating 670 or 270 without being able to turn my neck??] Oh and my favorite?? since I haven't even begun to shop for Christmas and we're leaving this Thursday for NYC... the last weekend before surgery, when am I gonna get *that* done?? Argh. I know...like I said, pity party for one over here!! I'll make it. We'll be fine. I know it will work out. As previously stated, it's a blessing to have others' words to read that put life in perspective. :) We all have our issues. Oh, the weight journey, you ask? Yeah, please don't ask. It's all about the neck right now. I'm proud of you, Laura!! Keep on keeping on! I'll get there. 17 novembre Ahhhh, rest & Gift #23 It's over. Hard to believe. But it was a greaaaaaat day!! My whole family, sans 2, gathered for a day of fun and feasting. I hope they had as good a time as I did.  The little table decorations were fun to make. Everything went smoothly. I just enjoyed standing back and watching...this family of mine. :) 13 novembre Thursday check-in, 11.12End of the day and I'm still so doggone tired. I even took a 2 hour "nap" this afternoon. Hmmm, I'm not sure what's going on. I was hoping the steroids would carry me thru the weekend. I'd rather crash on Sunday!! Tomorrow is crunch day and then the big TG gathering so I doubt I'll be on here for a couple of days. GOALS: water: check walk: check sweets: nope. sugar is truly my security blanket these days. I hide it in places and am delighted like a child when i discover it. i am seriously like a toddler getting a treat. i think about my youngest niece and how she lights up when she is offered some little goodie. Yep, that's me, too. And when that little voice tells me to resist I stomp my feet and say, petulantly, "no!". well this has to change. I'll get there. Trying to keep it to 3 is making me aware. That is a good step. 12 novembre Fatigued but grateful For some reason, I'm just plain pooped today. I was up early, went to the grocery store to get the last of the shopping done for this weekend. Came home, put it all away and made a couple snacks for the party. Then I just wanted to sit down. Now I'd like a nap and I have a laundry list as long as my arm of things I want to get done today in preparation for Saturday. As I told Laura, today I am feeling every ounce of my weight and every day of my 46 years! I just wanna sit in my chair and knit! As I wrote to Laura, the following came out. Interesting. So I sat down while some things are in the oven and found your email. Thank you! Oh Laura, I don't know...is surgery overkill? Should I just live with the pain? Am I inviting more complications? There is no guarantee that surgery will relieve the pain.... Can I say if I'm comfortable with the decision? That's stretching it a bit. Do I like the Dr? Well, he's not warm & fuzzy but he seems arrogant and confident about what he does. Bottom line, I guess what is wearing so heavily on me is that *nobody* can make the decision for me. I can get pros and cons. I can get opinions. But, unlike when I had to have lower back surgery, this surgery is not mandatory. I do not have to have it to function. I am hoping for a better quality of life. The pain, the "fogginess" of pain meds, fatigue are all wearing on a daily basis. So, yes. I'm going thru with it and I am praying with all my might that if I'm not supposed to have this surgery, God will make that crystal clear to me. Please pray that for me, specifically. Someone, something will present the warning to me. I have no idea why I'm so leery. I guess because we recently had a patient who came in for a consultation re: surgery. Our surgeon recommended surgery and she had severe second thoughts. She went thru with it following the advice of her children and grandchildren and has had terrible complications ever since. [this was last week.] It's scary. But back to today..,. :) I guess I'll just pare down my list of to-do things and call it a day. Tomorrow I have to work all day ~ Fridays are always crazy with seeing patients, etc., and then come home and cook several dishes. It will be a long day. :) I wish you lived closer, too. I need a good cook! lol Well, thanks for listening. I'll probably write a similar blog today. On a good note, I gag every time I try to eat today. Don't know what that's about. Nothing wants to go down. I'm sure it won't last long. ;) No worries. Maybe this weight journey [that's what I'm calling it] came at a good time so i don't balloon up after surgery. It sure would be easy to as my husband truly believes food is love. I am so thankful for my friends. Truly proving that family is not limited to those who share my bloodline. 11 novembre Seriously!!Okay, really! Just f*** me in the ass with a splintered broom! Of course, in the grand scheme of things, life could be worse. blah blah blah blah But as MeeMaw and I like to say, "It's all about me." And right now, I'm just pissy!
I went to the neurosurgeon this morning and he confirmed my fears. Surgery is inevitable. Two bad discs in my neck are out of control and have to be replaced/removed/rejangled, whatever. Here's is what I gleaned from the conversation:
* 3 months no driving, working, in a hard plastic boobs to chin neck brace
* moving my larnyx aside [ASIDE!] to take said discs out, put some contraption IN, including a metal piece @ 2" long
* wearing a bone stimulator for 9 months to help the new contraption fuse to my own bones
Here's what I infer: spending the next 3 months home alone day after day after day, no driving, no crafts, little computer in a full metal jacket. Sleeping in a freaking recliner [HATE sleeping on my back]; gaining weight. Can we all sing, "Joy to the World"? Bring your sleeping bag and party favors and join my pity party.
Flip side ~ cuz that's just how my brain works ~ is possibly getting rid of the daily pain / nerve damage/ arm weakness. There are no guarantees, but I have to take the chance. Maybe Bob and I can take a couple of vacations, if I get cleared to fly. ???
Sooooooooooooooooo....where does that leave my weight journey? I don't wanna give up. I just gotta regroup. thank God for my friends.
Beginning: Nov 10-14 My dear friend, Jenn, I refuse to over think this...good grief I've spent the day working my ass off just to avoid sitting here and writing this. What does that tell me? hmmm It's time to make some changes in my lifestyle. And you are patient and caring enough to invite me regardless of my flaky past behavior. I recently read a comment by someone who was talking about how she viewed food. She said something to the effect of, 'I am learning not to treat food like a toddler.' I wish I had the exact quote because it stopped me short. Having thought about my weight for most of my life, I thought I had heard it all. This made me think twice because there are other areas of my life where I am learning that I can't get what I want. Sounds elementary but ... well, it's where I am in my journey. I have decided to pick up my baggage and take this new journey with the hope of learning more about myself...life...and hopefully, making some positive changes. Thank you, Jenn. You'll never know... The Plan: Each week we would post three goals. The rules were the goals had to be measurable & attainable in a week's time. If we meet all three goals, we would earn $5.00 towards a "ultimate" goal; usually something tangible, more expensive & something we wanted. Daily we would post if we met our daily goals as well as our overall progress. Weekly, we would post our weight as well as how we did in meeting our goals. My ultimate goal: I don't know yet.
Cost: ??
My weight loss goal: No # in mind; my goal is just to continue to lose weight.
Total weight loss needed: A number?? Hmmm. At
this point, I can't even imagine reaching my *insurance chart* weight.
For now, I would just like to reach...well, maybe I'm not ready to make
that public just yet. :)
GOALS for the Week of Nov 10-14:
1. only 3 pieces of candy/sweets per day
2. drink at least 32 oz water daily
3. walk 10 minutes twice this week [good grief, Charlie Brown, can you say baby steps?? ;)] |
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