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27 ottobre Thanksgiving OH MY! I'm obsessing. I know it. I feel it. I cannot control it. Deb, will you please be my assistant??? You are party planner extraordinaire! I need you!!!! In fact, you can be Head Party Planner and I will be *your* assistant. Perfect!! I'm having the Thanksgiving family gathering at our home this year. I've done it before and nearly made myself crazy. Why again? Well, many family issues [both sides] and I refuse to let our family be splintered. So, erect a cross and call me martyr. I stand strongly behind my principles. Well, that said, now I'm obsessing. The food, the table setting, the games, toys for the kids, the people, the house ~ clean enough ~, I want it just right. Not perfect, I'm not that far off in neverland, but I want it good enough. Unfortunately, we're not a close enough family that I can call my sisters-in-law and dish about it. That's what I want..."hey, what about this? I found this! We can play this game...do the kids like this?" Well, that ain't gonna happen. I think everyone comes cuz they HAVE to come, not cuz they're excited to see one another and have a good time. That's the bottom line, I guess. You know who your friends are cuz they come to your gatherings regardless. They don't have to make Mother & Father happy or fulfill some family obligation. I wish I knew if my family really wanted to be together. How very narcissistic of me, eh? It's not a burden to me...I want to make a happy place where people come and when they leave they look at one another and say, "what a great day!" Aaaand I would LOVE to be relaxed in the process. Is that too much to ask? hahaha Thanks for listening. ;) 26 ottobre It is What it IsBack when I decided to start a blog, I wanted to name it "It is What it Is" but that's Deb's byline so I didn't. :) But I wanted that because it's what I wanna be. I wanna be the type of person who sees life and says, "well, it is what it is." Not be one who has to over analyze anything. Not have to OBSESS about people's feelings and perceptions of me. Just hear it, take it in and move on, whatever IT is.
Unfortunately, that is not me. I should call my blog, "It isn't what it appears." I frequently hear from people, when I confess my deep-seeded worries and obsessive/compulsive worrying or nervousness, "wow, you sure didn't seem that way. It didn't show. You come across very confident." or something like that. Argh ~ if only they knew!!
I recently had a conversation with a young woman on the topic of guys/boyfriends. I remember saying, "Look at his actions. Not his words. What do his *actions* say?" I'm reminded of these words now. I find myself wondering about people in my life and thinking, "do they really care so little?" Then I remind myself of these words and think, well, what do their actions say? Yea...their actions say they don't care much. Perfunctory communication. Years of miscommunication. Unresolved feelings. I pretend to put up a front that I'm not bothered. I wanna say, "well, it is what it is." Instead, I find myself blinking back tears, wishing it could be different.
Would they care if I spoke up and said something??? I don't know. I would hate to die and have it go unresolved.
12 ottobre Catching Up It has been a while! First I had a LOVELY vacation with my sister/friend in RI! What a great friend you are, Laura!! As I told her, I have few friends these days, but the ones I do have, I cherish. She is an amazing listener. I left her feeling embraced and refreshed! I only wish we lived closer! Then it was home to care for our Godchildren. Ages 6 & 4. Oh my did we have fun! Challenging, but fun! Both are precocious little things ~ constantly amazing me! What 4yr old do you know who appropriately uses words like "antagonize"? And "appropriate"? She cracks me up! We colored with markers and played outside and collected acorns "with hats" and leaves and went shopping ... all the things her mother says she isn't supposed to do. Yeah, you heard that correctly. I just shake my head. I could write a mini novel on here of how cracked up/neurotic her mother is! but I'll spare you and myself. The best part was when their dad came to pick them up ~ she didn't come because she was sick. sorry, don't believe that. she wanted to stay home to get housework done, imho.~ I told him I had Ya know, forget it. Not even worth getting myself all riled up again. Suffice it to say that I am amazed at the level of selfishness some people have. Inconsiderate selfishness. And the holidays are coming. Joy to the World! Here we go again. Wonder how many ways we'll all bend over backwards to accommodate them? If it were ever reciprocated, no problem. But this road only goes one way. Where's that Serenity Prayer again???? |
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