| Terese's profileRemember: Money talksPhotosBlogLists |  Tools  Help |
|
|
October 27 Another DayI watched "Marie Antoinnette" and had a moment at the well! **<BAM!!>** Absolutely amazing to see the parallel in her life and mine. The emotions so passionately portrayed just jumping off the screen! As a whole, the movie is just okay. For me, it was an odd juxtaposition of modern music accompanying 18th century society. MTV meets England's high court. ?? But it slapped me on the forehead like a best friend. Provided perspective for a situation that frequently plagues me. It gave me a new realization, a deeper understanding of my own reactions to life's situations. wow....
The black cloud has lifted for a bit and I'm enjoying the reprieve. :) I'm blessed in my life. We're leaving for a vacation soon, to some places we haven't been before so I'm excited to be getting away. Just absorb the sunshine and relish in the health I have today. Sounds so damn corny but I'm feeling so many different medical issues that when a good day comes along I recognize it. Savor them when they're here, I guess. :)
Off to get a pedicure so I can show my feet. :)
peace, y'all! October 16 The Tines of the ForkSo, in case you're wondering...the tines of the fork split then, by some sick Murphy's law, were rejoined and led to a big ole dead end! Sunday evening came and went and I suddenly stopped in my tracks around 11:00pm and blurted, "oh shit. I forgot the WW meeting." Utterly forgotten. I still haven't stopped to rethink it. Right now I'm kinda diggin' the ostrich mentality. lol - gotta laugh or cry
Much has been happening. We had our first of, hopefully, many game nights last weekend. OMW ~ I haven't laughed that much, that loudly in so long! I'm still laughing when I think of it. We played silly games and ate yummy food. Ok, I don't mean to pat myself on the back ~ they are all recipes I've had else where. But it was sooooo much fun to prepare. Bob really got into it as well, which was nice for us as a couple. He likes to entertain in the sense that he wants to "give" everyone a nice time. I was nervous as a cat. Don't know why ~ foolish, silly girl ~ especially about the gluten free items. I was so nervous that they would unknowingly be cross contaminated. But I don't think they were and it turns out there was more than one guest who appreciated the GF options. Who knew?? I'm hoping the fun continues, as planned, once per month. It did my psyche good!
Turns out the biggest props of the night go to my husband. [I was going to explain but the words come out crass and judgemental so I'll leave it at that. :) ]
Changing channels: Ya know those words that come along every once in a while and stick to you like glue? Yeah, I got a few. The latest are from my dearly beloved. He bought me a new digital camera, impulsively, and when I said, "really???", he said something to the effect of 'maybe this will keep your mind off thinking of children all the time.' huh???? I snarled and told him that you can't buy happiness, or something like that. Idiot.
The family drama continues. OH MY FREAKING WORD!!!! We could have a primetime drama series! Mental illness, dating, divorce, medical issues, marriage, humor, in-laws.....good grief, the list goes on. I don't think you could make this stuff up!
I recently watched a program on television about suicide. The group of people discussing it were all people who had been affected by a loved one who committed suicide. I found it interesting that ... the message I got from it was "if you need help, call this number because there *are* people who care about you. Don't do this to the people who love you." hmmmm, Obviously those who have taken their life could not be there to discuss their choice so it is a slanted conversation. Clearly the people who have lost a loved one are agonized by the "shoulda, coulda, woulda"-s. What about the fact that these people were in such pain that they just wanted it to end? The psycholigist leading the discussion said things like the choice was irrational and that anyone struggling with such thoughts should know that this situation is temporary and will pass. I don't completely agree. For some people, it isn't like a broken ankle that can be fixed and eventually leave that period of pain behind. It can be pervasive...daily...worn like a weight around the neck. Even with meds, even with help. Some people have afflictions that affect their muscles, nerve endings, intestines, heart, speech...you name it. Some people, it is the brain and no matter how much therapy or medication is offered the brain turns on itself. Thoughts eat away at the psyche destroying what good has been done. It can be never ending.
The message I would give to those who are left behind when their loved one commits suicide is Let him/her go. They couldn't turn off their brain and the constant chatter got to be too much. You're not to blame. That's just how they were hard wired. It's almost arrogant to think that you could have "helped." Perhaps for a day, a month, ~ for some people, yes. You can help, I take it back. Those individuals just need to get out of that particular situation. But for others, there isn't help. Suicide is a choice some people make because they know how draining their situation is to those around them. It's exhausing no matter which end of the life-rope you're holding.
October 06 Left or Right?And no, I do not mean politcal sides. Who isn't sick of hearing about the state of the country? ;)
I've come to a fork in the road. Decision time. A group of former co-workers have a Weight Watchers meeting and depending where the are in the "session", I may join. [it may be week 4 of a 6-week group] But it's got me thinking. And doing a little personal inventory. I'm a freaking addict. Ever since I went to RI and gave myself permission to buy a bag of "fun size" candy bars I have been on a binge. I *never* buy bags of candy! It's kinda like potato chips, just don't do it. One is never enough. But it's that time of year now when you can buy bags of candy at "2 for ___." Oh joy. And have I been grabbing those little sales!
When I think about my behavior I am like a drug addict/alcoholic:
1. I sneak it.
2. I have it stashed in more than one place in the house.
3. I don't wanna share it.
4. I eat it until I feel a physical reaction. Usually doesn't take more than 2 pieces.
5. I can't wait to have more. But I feel "controlled" that I limit it to 2 pieces at a time.
6. I don't wanna give it up. It feels good.
I'm sure there are more behaviors that I am not even aware of. So how do WW and candy binges make for a successful reformation? [sarcasm] How do people quit heroin? Or alcohol? Yea, I know, AA...but the AA members that I know go to meetings like 6-7 days per week, if not more. They submerse themselves into the AA culture. Is there anything like that for the food junkie? I've been to OA meetings. Never did get much out of it except one group that was so radical I, literally, ate a bag of lettuce and 1/2 ounce of protein 2 times a day. Crazy shit. Another group just sat around like social hour.
Bottom line, how much do I wanna change? There have to be resources out there. I can't be the only one who tries to numb the painful aspects of life with pure white sugar dripped in chocolate. Maybe it's dealing with the *issues* and the food will follow? Maybe feeling fat and ugly makes it easier to eat more and then cause the other issues in life to surface~feel like shit anyway, let's bring in all the other shitty parts of your life and have a big ole party! No room to focus on the good.
Perhaps WW is just a sorry bandaid for a much deeper wound. ????? Perhaps it's the friendship and social hour that I crave?? Someone to say, "hey, T, what's *really* going on?" But that's not fair cuz he/she wouldn't know what to say after I tell him/her.
Stupid fork, anyway.
October 01 Mental Illness...huh?My question today is, if you're losing your mind do you *know* you're losing your mind? Does a truly "crazy" person recognize her own aberrant behavior? Does the woman who lives in my in-laws' village know that she is a social misfit and just not care? Or does she think that her behavior is her own definition of normal? Did she just give in to the little voice
Why do I ask? Cuz I'm on the edge and I know it. So does that make me a nut job? [I can't put some of my deepest thoughts in print for obvious reasons. ;)] I chuckle cuz ... well, cuz I can. Cuz I know it sounds so redicuouls yet it's true. There aren't very many steps between me and the woman who sits in her bath robe in the menal ward, rocking in her chair, smoking cigarettes and humming to herself. Will the fissure that exists finally crack open? Like watching a discolored mole on your skin, praying for consistency ~ out of my control but susceptible to changes.
The only way to describe it is like treading water. You can do it for only so long before you wear out and wanna relax. So you take a break and go under water. But you don't wanna die so you swim your way to the top and take a big breath and start treading some more. Periods of time are easier than others, then a big wave comes up you're sucked under again. Constantly treading, trying to find ways to take the edge off ~ floating on your back, swimming a bit... breaks from the monotony.
Treading water sucks. Pretending to be "fine" is exhausting. But it's a way of life for some people. For some, it doesn't get any better. It just is what it is. I have to be grateful for what I *do* have, I know. And hopefully, I won't lose what I have.
|
|
|
