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November 12 Fatigued but grateful For some reason, I'm just plain pooped today. I was up early, went to the grocery store to get the last of the shopping done for this weekend. Came home, put it all away and made a couple snacks for the party. Then I just wanted to sit down. Now I'd like a nap and I have a laundry list as long as my arm of things I want to get done today in preparation for Saturday. As I told Laura, today I am feeling every ounce of my weight and every day of my 46 years! I just wanna sit in my chair and knit! As I wrote to Laura, the following came out. Interesting. So I sat down while some things are in the oven and found your email. Thank you! Oh Laura, I don't know...is surgery overkill? Should I just live with the pain? Am I inviting more complications? There is no guarantee that surgery will relieve the pain.... Can I say if I'm comfortable with the decision? That's stretching it a bit. Do I like the Dr? Well, he's not warm & fuzzy but he seems arrogant and confident about what he does. Bottom line, I guess what is wearing so heavily on me is that *nobody* can make the decision for me. I can get pros and cons. I can get opinions. But, unlike when I had to have lower back surgery, this surgery is not mandatory. I do not have to have it to function. I am hoping for a better quality of life. The pain, the "fogginess" of pain meds, fatigue are all wearing on a daily basis. So, yes. I'm going thru with it and I am praying with all my might that if I'm not supposed to have this surgery, God will make that crystal clear to me. Please pray that for me, specifically. Someone, something will present the warning to me. I have no idea why I'm so leery. I guess because we recently had a patient who came in for a consultation re: surgery. Our surgeon recommended surgery and she had severe second thoughts. She went thru with it following the advice of her children and grandchildren and has had terrible complications ever since. [this was last week.] It's scary. But back to today..,. :) I guess I'll just pare down my list of to-do things and call it a day. Tomorrow I have to work all day ~ Fridays are always crazy with seeing patients, etc., and then come home and cook several dishes. It will be a long day. :) I wish you lived closer, too. I need a good cook! lol Well, thanks for listening. I'll probably write a similar blog today. On a good note, I gag every time I try to eat today. Don't know what that's about. Nothing wants to go down. I'm sure it won't last long. ;) No worries. Maybe this weight journey [that's what I'm calling it] came at a good time so i don't balloon up after surgery. It sure would be easy to as my husband truly believes food is love. I am so thankful for my friends. Truly proving that family is not limited to those who share my bloodline. November 11 Seriously!!Okay, really! Just f*** me in the ass with a splintered broom! Of course, in the grand scheme of things, life could be worse. blah blah blah blah But as MeeMaw and I like to say, "It's all about me." And right now, I'm just pissy!
I went to the neurosurgeon this morning and he confirmed my fears. Surgery is inevitable. Two bad discs in my neck are out of control and have to be replaced/removed/rejangled, whatever. Here's is what I gleaned from the conversation:
* 3 months no driving, working, in a hard plastic boobs to chin neck brace
* moving my larnyx aside [ASIDE!] to take said discs out, put some contraption IN, including a metal piece @ 2" long
* wearing a bone stimulator for 9 months to help the new contraption fuse to my own bones
Here's what I infer: spending the next 3 months home alone day after day after day, no driving, no crafts, little computer in a full metal jacket. Sleeping in a freaking recliner [HATE sleeping on my back]; gaining weight. Can we all sing, "Joy to the World"? Bring your sleeping bag and party favors and join my pity party.
Flip side ~ cuz that's just how my brain works ~ is possibly getting rid of the daily pain / nerve damage/ arm weakness. There are no guarantees, but I have to take the chance. Maybe Bob and I can take a couple of vacations, if I get cleared to fly. ???
Sooooooooooooooooo....where does that leave my weight journey? I don't wanna give up. I just gotta regroup. thank God for my friends.
Beginning: Nov 10-14 My dear friend, Jenn, I refuse to over think this...good grief I've spent the day working my ass off just to avoid sitting here and writing this. What does that tell me? hmmm It's time to make some changes in my lifestyle. And you are patient and caring enough to invite me regardless of my flaky past behavior. I recently read a comment by someone who was talking about how she viewed food. She said something to the effect of, 'I am learning not to treat food like a toddler.' I wish I had the exact quote because it stopped me short. Having thought about my weight for most of my life, I thought I had heard it all. This made me think twice because there are other areas of my life where I am learning that I can't get what I want. Sounds elementary but ... well, it's where I am in my journey. I have decided to pick up my baggage and take this new journey with the hope of learning more about myself...life...and hopefully, making some positive changes. Thank you, Jenn. You'll never know... The Plan: Each week we would post three goals. The rules were the goals had to be measurable & attainable in a week's time. If we meet all three goals, we would earn $5.00 towards a "ultimate" goal; usually something tangible, more expensive & something we wanted. Daily we would post if we met our daily goals as well as our overall progress. Weekly, we would post our weight as well as how we did in meeting our goals. My ultimate goal: I don't know yet.
Cost: ??
My weight loss goal: No # in mind; my goal is just to continue to lose weight.
Total weight loss needed: A number?? Hmmm. At
this point, I can't even imagine reaching my *insurance chart* weight.
For now, I would just like to reach...well, maybe I'm not ready to make
that public just yet. :)
GOALS for the Week of Nov 10-14:
1. only 3 pieces of candy/sweets per day
2. drink at least 32 oz water daily
3. walk 10 minutes twice this week [good grief, Charlie Brown, can you say baby steps?? ;)] October 27 Thanksgiving OH MY! I'm obsessing. I know it. I feel it. I cannot control it. Deb, will you please be my assistant??? You are party planner extraordinaire! I need you!!!! In fact, you can be Head Party Planner and I will be *your* assistant. Perfect!! I'm having the Thanksgiving family gathering at our home this year. I've done it before and nearly made myself crazy. Why again? Well, many family issues [both sides] and I refuse to let our family be splintered. So, erect a cross and call me martyr. I stand strongly behind my principles. Well, that said, now I'm obsessing. The food, the table setting, the games, toys for the kids, the people, the house ~ clean enough ~, I want it just right. Not perfect, I'm not that far off in neverland, but I want it good enough. Unfortunately, we're not a close enough family that I can call my sisters-in-law and dish about it. That's what I want..."hey, what about this? I found this! We can play this game...do the kids like this?" Well, that ain't gonna happen. I think everyone comes cuz they HAVE to come, not cuz they're excited to see one another and have a good time. That's the bottom line, I guess. You know who your friends are cuz they come to your gatherings regardless. They don't have to make Mother & Father happy or fulfill some family obligation. I wish I knew if my family really wanted to be together. How very narcissistic of me, eh? It's not a burden to me...I want to make a happy place where people come and when they leave they look at one another and say, "what a great day!" Aaaand I would LOVE to be relaxed in the process. Is that too much to ask? hahaha Thanks for listening. ;) October 26 It is What it IsBack when I decided to start a blog, I wanted to name it "It is What it Is" but that's Deb's byline so I didn't. :) But I wanted that because it's what I wanna be. I wanna be the type of person who sees life and says, "well, it is what it is." Not be one who has to over analyze anything. Not have to OBSESS about people's feelings and perceptions of me. Just hear it, take it in and move on, whatever IT is.
Unfortunately, that is not me. I should call my blog, "It isn't what it appears." I frequently hear from people, when I confess my deep-seeded worries and obsessive/compulsive worrying or nervousness, "wow, you sure didn't seem that way. It didn't show. You come across very confident." or something like that. Argh ~ if only they knew!!
I recently had a conversation with a young woman on the topic of guys/boyfriends. I remember saying, "Look at his actions. Not his words. What do his *actions* say?" I'm reminded of these words now. I find myself wondering about people in my life and thinking, "do they really care so little?" Then I remind myself of these words and think, well, what do their actions say? Yea...their actions say they don't care much. Perfunctory communication. Years of miscommunication. Unresolved feelings. I pretend to put up a front that I'm not bothered. I wanna say, "well, it is what it is." Instead, I find myself blinking back tears, wishing it could be different.
Would they care if I spoke up and said something??? I don't know. I would hate to die and have it go unresolved.
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